last night was fun, if you like that sort of thing

started at 8 because i went to the mercedes dealer to see if i could trade my ford in for one of their german luxury cars which would allow me to upgrade uber levels and charge double on every ride.

dude said yes but he wouldnt know for sure until tomorrow.

tipped the valet $3 and started ubering.

was worried about the new Uber Pool because i didnt know how it really worked but eventually learned that the app will tell you if theres another person for pickup ready (and where) and all of that, but strangely it never asks the passengers how many are in their party and the only pool i drove last night were three drunk guys from the midwest and then two confused asian guys who ended up canceling because hi, you cant fit 5 passengers into an uber.

did a lot of short rides but also had some long ones and surges. drove till 3am.

- drove some moms with seafood breath from delmonicas right next to the beach through west LA, listening to them talk about baseball practice and whose mom brings what treats and what a relief in one league no one brings any.

- took the manager of amoeba records from his home in a predominantly black neighborhood to a rock show in hollywood. was very impressed that he lived there bc i dont know of any white ppl living there. and its smart bc it’s a good 35% cheaper. we had a great chat about LP sales in places like amoeba. he says it’s a good chunk of their business.

- picked up four party girls from santa monica to a house party in west hollywood. couldnt be cuter. we mostly talked about chrissy tiegen.

- the midwestern boys were on vacation and were staying at the not horrible Dunes motel near the freeway. even though theyd been thrown into some seedy parts of hollywood and dtla they thought LA was beautiful.

- some drunk guys at 2am made me wait as they got street dogs near my favorite DTLA bar Down And Out. I told them if they spilled any food or puked that the ride was over. I was very clear. Two of the guys looked scary, but i was gonna trade in the Ford in mere hours. Before we drove 5 blocks the guy in the back passed his half eaten dog to the guy in the front and it spilled right next to me and I stopped the car and said get out. Cursing, threats ensued but fellas, lemme tell you about the xbi using sign language. as i was driving off they threw their remaining dogs at my car and i screeched to a stop. fortunately for all of us it was surging even higher and i got back in my car and later wiped the ketchup from my window.

- took the smartest cutest young lady originally from shanghai from a late night dance club to midwilshire and we talked about global economics and how chinese people dont trust chinese businesses selling them coffee or fried chicken and thus starbucks and kfc dominate. i said i smell a huge business opportunity and esped a wedding proposal to her and her fuzzy hat.

saw breakfast at tiffany’s last night for the first time

thoughts:

1. so wait, they were Both high class hookers?

2. because he looks like her brother that made her wanna jump in his bed (literally) the first night they meet?

3. that asian man was Mickey Rooney?

4. that was an amazing stunt cat!

5. people really used to dance at parties?

6. liquor delivery? incredible!

7. that sales clerk at Tiffany’s answered every question beautifully

8. if she’s a hooker, what exactly does she spend her money on? her place is barren!

9. in prisons you can just hang out with the bad guys? and bring any guest you want?

10. that cat really felt ok with going back with Audrey right after she abandoned him?

11. these are hookers who steal?

12. this is a romantic movie?

13. how many times are they gonna play that song? a million?

14. no burglars ever use the fire escape to break into apartments… in NEW YORK CITY?

15. why are we supposed to like Audrey Hepburn? cuz she looks good in a hat and weighs zero pounds?

16. whats so special about this guy other than his hair?

17. everyone wore suits back in the day, no matter where they went or what they were doing. so glad i didnt live back then.

18. WHERE THE BROTHERS AT?

19. wow, her apartment had super high ceilings.

20. they seriously let little girls watch this?

sad, but funny

lol

my mom is here, so is the truest, so are punk rock artists

it was a little crazy picking them up at the airport today because you never wanna leave the Oscars

BECAUSE HOW WILL IT GO ON WITHOUT ME RUNNING AROUND IT ALL DAY?

but i did, and it survived and chris and i even ate sushi as we waited for my mom to arrive

and now we are in the midst of things in Hollywood Blvd

soon we will be eating the kittens and petting thai food

i mean eating Thai food and petting Kittens!

ok, exhausted, must run

this blog may not be updated much this week

sorta busy, not that i dont love you.

i do.

you know i do.

i swear it.

saw that new show The Slap last night

didnt really care very much about any of the people

and especially not the little kid who got slapped.

and then he got slapped i was supposed to feel something?

the recipe in telling a story is super dooper easy:

introduce likable characters,

screw them over royally,

see if they can overcome it.

if they can, great, if they cant

better.

the problem with the first episode is who cares about the overachieving yuppie guy

or his brother with the awkward crush on the babysitter?

the other problem is the bratty kid who got slapped is fake:

he is always mean to everyone all the time

unless he is being breastfed by his mom even though he’s like 8.

the whole thing is in this alternate universe that we’re supposed to understand and relate to but sorry, these are tv figments

they will go live in their own unwatched universe and something will happen that i will never know about and thats ok with me.

fuckers even went so far as to pretend there are still

actual, physical airline tickets any more.

as if.

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security guard asked me a question tonight

we had just witnessed the first portion of the red carpet get laid out on hollywood blvd.

it had been unseasonably warm all week but the little chill was returning

but only at night

which it was becoming.

through the day we had to do some fun, and weird assignments

“had to” is the wrong phrase, “get to” is better.

for some reason i enjoyed it all. had a great day.

im older than everyone in the world.

security guard guy said, when you were 22 did you think youd be doing this?

but he said it like sarcastically, like what we were doing was lame.

i thought working for the biggest tv show in the world?

the most prestigious arts company ever.

coolest award you could ever get.

and i was all, no, when i was 22 i thought at this age

id be selling out wearing a suit

driving a station wagon.

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sometimes life is just cuckoo

stay thirsty, my friends

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how did i not know that motley crue’s last show

will be on new years eve

at staples center, in downtown LA.

this is facebook’s fatal flaw, and the thing that will make them totally fail

and why i divested my stocks from them:

they dont care what you like. they care if what you like paid for an ad.

facebook knows more about me than anything ever created. it knows i like to see things at staples, it knows i love the crue, it knows i buy lots of concert tickets,

so then why didnt it, with its multi gazillion dollar algorithm alert me that crue tickets were going on sale

and once they sold out, why didnt they tell me that there were lots of tickets on stubhub?

because facebook doesnt care about being a useful tool in my life

it cares about being a commercial entity constantly looking for ways of monetizing the things i like and because the concert sold out so quickly it assumed there were no more avenues in which to sell to me, but alas it was so wrong.

and at its heart it has failed itself and me as a customer.

just tell me things, facebook, the money will come.

i know it’s hard to put that into a powerpoint deck but sorry, it’s true.

when you play games by throttling information you miss out on opportunities.

just show me the things that i want to see and i will be more loyal to your site and omg i probably will stay there longer, and the longer i stay the more chances you have to making me buy something and hopefully it will be something that i actually want.

and yes, i would like to see motley crue’s last show ever. in LA, at Staples

on new years eve.

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seana said hey we are in town, lets have a drink, do you know any pizza places for the kids?

at first i thought chuck e cheese, but i realized her boys are big now (both in high school) and seana was a hair metal rock fan back in school

so i suggested the Rainbow on the fabulous Sunset Strip

it was surprisingly empty so we got the best table in the joint right next to the fireplace

which was slightly unnecessary since it was 75 degrees outside

but we ate pizza and pasta, drank beers, talked about Napa and Isla Vista and how her boys dont watch tv or sports

and they listen to EDM instead of classic rock

we all said a little prayer that they will grow out of it

and generally had a spectacular time in a little slice of rock n roll history.

from now on this is where i will eat pizza with people when they say they wanna buy me some beers.

screw tacos.

for those of you who dont know Seana, she is the one on with her arms around me on the far right of this pic.

for some reason i thought she and i took a road trip from santa barbara to hollywood back in college

for a Rolling Stones press announcement, in which no Stones attended

but we didnt care: road trip to Hollywood.

anyhow, Seana hasnt changed a bit. she’s still super fun and her family is awesome.

party on!

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last night driving the lovebirds was lovely

traffic was gnarly because of the record breaking warm weather. 82 degrees near the beach where i drove most of the day. and of course valentines day where everyone for some reason thinks it’s their duty to drive their loved one themselves to a far-away restaurant.

because of the traffic and the warm temps many drivers didnt drive leaving surge prices for most of the day and night. $11 rides were suddenly $28 (as they should be) and guess what: no passenger complained.

often drivers will say that they dont like to drive during surge hours because ticked off passengers take it out on them with low ratings.

this week i drove almost exclusively during surge times and i have a perfect score

so yes it can be done

yesterday i learned a lot

high school sophomore girl told me that the kids dont hate iggy azelia because she basic, but because she has bad music. meanwhile shes living the dream: grammy nom, million seller, two huge songs (fancy, black widow), dating a laker, so props to her.

skinny cross fitter told me i shouldnt eat white things: rice, potatoes, wheat, sugar, salt. and something less impossible: start running, just a mile. do 5 pushups a day until you feel like doing 10. but just do that a few times a day. 10% he said is better than 0%. then he offered me some weed.

party people leaving the Bungalow told me going up California, albeit full of stop signs, is still faster than Wilshire with all its lights.

gay Aussie dude going to a lesbian wedding told me that in his country the Republicans are called Liberals and are just as determined to stick their dick into nature (for their god, money) as ours are. he said their prime minister recently approved the dredging around the Great Barrier Reef for a coal port. yes whatever you do, fuck with the largest living organism on the globe.

these sweet asian recent ucla grads told me that asians who get red quickly when they drink booze have a 60% higher chance of getting cancer than their brethren who dont get red quickly.

i started at 11am, ended at 9pm, took a few breaks in between and surpassed my goal while enjoying driving with the window down for most of the day.

had to turn on the AC a few times. in mid February, while most of the nation froze.

life is so not fair.

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went to carmax last night to buy a mercedes

i dont really care for mercedeses but i want to drive for the higher class uber because basic uber is for basics

got there met a nice guy who’d been there five years (take a break already!) and together we stumbled into a row of Infinitis

theyre faster cooler and cheaper than mercedeses and i was sold on one that only had 9k miles.

when we start crunching the numbers we realize i owe more on my current car than its worth

because somehow, for some reason, my current ford hybrid has lost nearly half of its value in just over a year!

meaning i will have to finance about $5k of my current loan into my new loan

and, little did i know, but even ppl with good credit, like me, can expect to pay 6% interest on used cars.

meaning my car payment with the infiniti would be about $200 a month more than what i currently pay

and even though if everything goes right i would be making about $800 a month more driving in the luxury tier

it would suck to give back 1/4 of that just on a car payment.

especially because who knows how long i can make $800 more than i am currently making on uber

and who really wants a $620 car note?

so now im thinking about getting a cheaper car, which is ok, i dont care, i dont care about anything really

except who is gonna get me world series tickets in a year and a half.

at wrigley field.

but i do know this, friends.

i am gonna see AC/DC at the friendly confines this september.

hopefully with my mom and niece and nephew bc who knows how long theyve got to rock.

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Aussie news lady calls Fifty Shades of Gray

[embedded content]

THE WORST MOVIE I’VE EVER SEEN

then said she didn’t have sex with her husband after she came home.

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oh we care, Fiddy

oh we care, Fiddy

let me count the ways i love this letter

1. The Zip Code is simply “Hollywood 69″ (Now it would be 90069)

2. The phone number is Crestview 5-1146

3. They list their “Cable address” (for telegrams?)

4. Gregory Peck is the President of the Academy

5. Elmer Bernstein, Frank Capra, and Arthur Miller are on the Board, among other heavyweights

6. Edith Head doesn’t believe in Area Codes

7. But she does give out her home number!?!?!

omg

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oh we care, Fiddy

let me count the ways i love this letter

1. The Zip Code is simply “Hollywood 69″ (Now it would be 90069)

2. The phone number is Crestview 5-1146

3. They list their “Cable address” (for telegrams?)

4. Gregory Peck is the President of the Academy

5. Elmer Bernstein, Frank Capra, and Arthur Miller are on the Board, among other heavyweights

6. Edith Head doesn’t believe in Area Codes

7. But she does give out her home number!?!?!

omg

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figured out what im gonna do when i win the lottery

1. buy this house with that hot tub actually in the damn ocean

2. buy Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch (a steal at $50 million) which sits on 1,200 acres just north of Santa Barbara

3. make the coolest orphanage of all time at the Ranch and teach the kids all the great life skills that their peers dont learn in school:

how to fix a car

how to handle a knife

how to pick up a girl

how to play guitar

how to dunk

how to fly a helicopter

how to cook

how to dance

how to fix a leaky sink and a fucked up toilet

4. i will produce a tv show much like The Bachelor called “Marry a Middle Aged Bald Lottery Winner”

5. and then i will start renovating small motels and slowly build an empire when no one is looking.

$485 million and climbing Chomsky: We Are All – Fill in the Blank.

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BOOM

God is great

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figured out what im gonna do when i win the lottery

1. buy this house with that hot tub actually in the damn ocean

2. buy Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch (a steal at $50 million) which sits on 1,200 acres just north of Santa Barbara

3. make the coolest orphanage of all time at the Ranch and teach the kids all the great life skills that their peers dont learn in school:

how to fix a car

how to handle a knife

how to pick up a girl

how to play guitar

how to dunk

how to fly a helicopter

how to cook

how to dance

how to fix a leaky sink and a fucked up toilet

4. i will produce a tv show much like The Bachelor called “Marry a Middle Aged Bald Lottery Winner”

5. and then i will start renovating small motels and slowly build an empire when no one is looking.

$485 million and climbing Chomsky: We Are All – Fill in the Blank.

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BOOM

God is great

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the problem with the grammys was there wasnt enough devil horns

also, youve got the most popular artist in the last 10 years dancing in the front row and you dont let her play?

let Taylor Swift play!

also, you have the most talented musician in the last 30 years sauntering around backstage, with a (great) new album, and you dont let him play?

LET PRINCE PLAY!

also why do the Grammys think that if you take the sexiness out of Beyonce, Katy Perry, Ariana Grande, and Rihanna you’re going to a) get ratings b) get people talking c) pretend that music is better when it’s serious.

LET SEXY PEOPLE BE SEXY WHEN YOU HAVE TV SHOWS

if i was Sam Smith I would have thanked Tom Petty and not allowed a better singer than me share my song live in front of everyone

i thought madonna, kayne, and that country lady were good.

there werent enough awards given out.

and the awards that they did give out were super lame.

God bless Beck but the guy running around with Beck’s name isn’t the Beck we signed up for in the 90s.

this is Old Sad Man Beck Lightfoot who, sure can move some units at Whole Foods, but fuck that

i also liked Usher with the harp lady.

and Kristin Wig

i miss dangerous music.

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i love kids react

[embedded content]

even though it makes me feel super old

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jack white wants eighty grand and fresh guacamole and i want you

she got in the car and there was an instant connection.

sometimes its like that.

sometimes theyre just ready for you and you’ve been waiting for them.

sometimes they call you by your first name right away and thats ok.

music is so important but only if no ones talking.

sometimes you can go a whole ride and never notice whats on because of the good talk

she smelled good, sounded good, looked good.

theres only one size of dress on the weekends: short as hell.

one size of shoe: tall

my car is clean, it smells good, theres a faint mood lighting tone in the interior

usually purple, but it can be changed to any color

she said im going to silver lake.

i said who isnt

and after a while, we were there.

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i love kids react

[embedded content]

even though it makes me feel super old

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jack white wants eighty grand and fresh guacamole and i want you

she got in the car and there was an instant connection.

sometimes its like that.

sometimes theyre just ready for you and you’ve been waiting for them.

sometimes they call you by your first name right away and thats ok.

music is so important but only if no ones talking.

sometimes you can go a whole ride and never notice whats on because of the good talk

she smelled good, sounded good, looked good.

theres only one size of dress on the weekends: short as hell.

one size of shoe: tall

my car is clean, it smells good, theres a faint mood lighting tone in the interior

usually purple, but it can be changed to any color

she said im going to silver lake.

i said who isnt

and after a while, we were there.

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mom, dont look at this post

my moms the best mom ever. shes just looking out for her first born.

she grew up in a time and a place where everyone was nicer and sweeter and way more polite

except for the crazies discriminating and hanging black people and making them feel terrible about their skin

so when i swear or use the lords name in vain or put up a “weird” picture, she’ll text me

“whats going on with all the cursing, are you ok?”

im totally ok ma, i teller, sometimes you gotta keep it real

when i was at E! she was very sad because i was cursing like a sailor. same when i was running LAist

at the Times, my boss advised me to tone it down and man was ma on top of the world.

where i work now no one cares about this blog because blogging is dead and you know what good

because even the good book keeps trying to tell us that when you die…

…you go to heaven

and in heaven everything is beautiful, even the four letter words

(amen)

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well duh

today it was almost too hot outside

i walked to the drug store to make sure i had a lottery ticket.

as i walked i thought about all the things i would buy and who has been good to me and who would be annoying and how throwing money at those problems would help me move on to what i really wanted:

a malibu beach house and a submarine.

id wanna buy the apartment building ive been living in for the last 14 years and give my upstairs neighbor free rent and ask her to be the manager of the building.

id also give my other neighbor free rent because her voice soothes me for some reason. shes very feminine and positive.

got to the drug store and bought the cheapest turkey and cheese sandwich alive.

thought about getting some Blueberry juice for $4 but figured water would be just as good.

id open a record store and a roller rink.

id secretly make them both non profits and give the money to charity.

id start a record label and put out Tsar records, id open a soul food restaurant in beverly hills called Grady’s

it would also be a secret non profit.

id open a drive in somewhere. and a few arcades. you know, all the things bound to lose money but so what.

id have some money making schemes to keep my empire afloat: baseball cards of homeless people and porn stars.

bacon and egg brunch joints.

tv shows for brown people.

and of course a Church of Rock franchise.

when i got back to the office i was perspiring a little and took off my Cubs hat.

pretty much i just wanna buy a mansion for my momma and a plane for me so i could commute to wrigley to watch the cubs do the thing we’ve been waiting forever for them to do.

would pretty much need a chicago girlfriend somehow.

that would probably be harder than to win the lottery though seeing as im stuck here in LA sweating under palm trees in February.

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when animals teach us why being human is great

the shark during the katy perry super bowl halftime show immediately jumped into our hearts.

he was off beat, out of sync, didnt know the moves, but instantly endeared the entire globe and then internet

Left Shark reminded us that to err is not just human, but adorable when you clearly dont give a damn.

sadly we live in a Right Shark world: an idealized place where every move, though manufactured, is better because it is predictable. cooler because it is straight.

in Left Land whatevers a way of life.

practicing would kill the spontaneity, and Lord knows being dressed as a dancing shark isn’t interesting enough: now do it without knowing the routine.

that’s what separates us from apes.

blatant unpreparedness.

on tv.

dressed like a sea monster.

long live the left shark revolution!

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pretty blown away by American Sniper, suprisingly

it changes my list of favorite films of 2014

1. whiplash

2. birdman

3. nightcrawler

4. american sniper

5. lego movie

6. grand budapest hotel

7. boyhood

8. selma

9. the interview

10. jodorowsky’s dune

11. guardians of the galaxy

12. maleficent

13. st. vincent

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secretly this is why we love emma

<3

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sorry i didnt blog yesterday i was sorta busy experiencing awesome

the scene was the famous Beverly Hilton, one of the classiest hotels in LA with tons of history and tragedy

if i was ever to be married in a Beverly Hills hotel, I would choose this one,

even though it’s where Whitney Houston died a few years ago.

the event was the Oscars Nomination Luncheon, where the nominees can chat with each other over a few drinks, some delicious food, minus the throngs of the press and cameras, which isnt to say there werent any press or cameras but just not throngs

Oprah is a nominee this year. She produced Selma, co-starring Common, and it’s up for Best Picture.

My mom woulda loved to have met her, but alas my mom was shoveling snow in Chicago.

Another person my mom woulda loved to have met was Clint Eastwood whose American Sniper is also up for Best Picture

Clint and Oprah and 150 other filmmakers gathered yesterday, in part, to pose for the annual class photo.

Academy Governor Ed Begley, Jr. calls out all the names of the noms and one by one they walk to the stage and stand next to their contemporaries as everyone applauds and cheers.

I just happened to have noticed that America’s Sweetheart Emma Stone was getting ancy that the stage was filling up quickly and they hadnt mentioned her name.

You could almost hear her think “was all of this an elaborate prank? Am I really not a nominee?”

And then almost at the bottom of the list, Ed finally called her name and she was relieved:

Pretty much my favorite moment of the day.

Afterwards I took a picture with Lauren who organized it all flawlessly

Coming up on Saturday: the Sci-Tech Awards

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i drove for 14 hours yesterday

bulletpoints:

i love LA

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