Tuesday, March 31, 2015

congratulations mom!

me and momeven though she’s technically retired, my mom volunteers at her favorite department store: Nordstrom


she takes the train into the city a few times a week and shines that sparkling smile and im all ma, youre retired, why you gotta work?


she says it keeps her young and vibrant, and she likes the deep discounts she gets.


so does my sweater drawer closet.


anyway, like any normal person at any normal retail outlet, she meets her fair share of negative situations and complains about them


to which i usually say quit quit quit!


today she rang me and asked if i was busy.


that usually frightens me because i expect the worst: the dog died, the boy has stopped hitting left handed, the cubs are putting up a giant video scoreboard


when she finally got to her purpose of calling she said


tony, i am the employee of the year.


i was all OF COURSE!!


she laughed.


i laughed.


obama and the NSA laughed.


im so proud of her. shes the best. always has been and they know how lucky they are that she works there.


and i know how lucky i am that shes my mom.


congrats ma!


they’re opening up another Kanpai

smokerthis one is gonna be about 2 miles away from the other one.


which is good because if they opened up one near my house id need a third job.


pretty girls call me to see whats up but i dont call em back.


somewhere my mojo disappeared and i am uncertain as to how i get it back. the fellas at the xbi say drinking but come on.


drinking is played out. plus i like waking up without the world pounding in my ears.


drove a gorgeous girl up from beverly hills to baldwin hills last night. at first she didnt wanna talk so i respected that


but then i got tired of not talking so i asked her where she was from and she said DC and i said i was born there and she started talking and talking and talking.


then she said shes deciding between colleges: san diego state or uc santa barbara.


i asked her, have you ever kissed a guy who had just smoked a whole cigarette?


she laughed and said omg my ex bf in dc.


i said san diego is like kissing a whole football team of guys who just smoked a carton of cigarettes.


she said whats santa barbara like?


i said it’s your first kiss that you’ll never forget.


and when we finally got to her house i said, see you on DP on halloween!


and she said, you just may,


tony


Monday, March 30, 2015

i had a fantastic weekend of driving, sushi, and friends

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saturday was the two year anniversary of Little Joy and it was also Lily’s birthday.


in attendance were many LA Times youngsters and even Sarah’s bff Lindsay who showed me her unlimited Tap pass because she works for Metro and loves taking the bus everywhere.


so jeals


11082975_10153165653738057_1405170619_n


earlier in the day i said goodbye to Andy who is moving back to Chicago. mark, audrey and mr. fluffy helped him polish off some carne at his bbq right by the beach.


HOW DID I NOT KNOW THAT ANDY LIVED LITERALLY A BLOCK FROM THE BEACH?


he gave me an awesome Taschen book about the Police in 80-83 (their best years.)


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back to Lily, she had a pinata but no stick so she violently bashed it against the riser in the back secret room and glow sticks and dinosaurs flew out which was a wonderful surprise.


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sarah as always looked beautiful but moreso than ever.


i drank and drank and later walked down to my favorite taco truck and got two for the road.


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before all of that i ubered for 10 hours on saturday and hit my goal on my last ride with this handsome british actor who is starring in a Fox pilot loosely based on when Rivers of Weezer quit the band to go to Harvard.


i was all bro youre way too handsome to play Rivers


he said, welcome to Hollywood, G!


Saturday, March 28, 2015

Friday, March 27, 2015

poor canada, chicago, and anywhere else still experiencing winter

there was a time i wanted to have ten kids

jim mcmahon


then i wanted ten corvettes


then i wanted ten wives


now i just want ten sunglasses, because i always lose mine.


i had a box of twenty sunglasses a few years ago and i finally ran through all of them.


no matter whats going on in your life you always look cooler in sunglasses


and a bears jersey, even if youre playing for the packers


chilling with bubba in the oval


and in the rose garden


with the packrrrs


DdmG9nl


Thursday, March 26, 2015

ali and i were talking about things we wanna do in our lives

tumblr_liycxryBUk1qa3u0oo1_1280


she was so clear, so focused, it was beautiful.


me, im more abstract and boring.


i wanna help people.


more specifically i wanna help people achieve their dreams.


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even more specifically i wanna help people while wearing a cubs hat and shorts.


sadly yesterday on the radio i was listening to this guy say that men dont get taken seriously when they wear shorts.


unless they won the lottery.


so my new goal is to help people while wearing shorts after winning the lottery.


however maybe a more realistic goal is to help people while being one of the few men who are respected for wearing shorts.


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by the way, nobody likes my shorts.


i have several pairs of plaid shorts and two of the same pair of bathing trunks that have pockets


thus shorts.


the only people who like them are the good people of Las Vegas who dont care because i tip well.


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drove a fashion designer around today who focuses on mens fashions.


i shoulda asked her if she would be interested in creating shorts for men which will DEMAND respect.


DEMAND SHORTS they could be called.


or RESPECT MY SHORTS could be stitched into the inseam or something.


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deep down i just wanna be a televangelist on one of those Christian cable channels.


pretty sure St. Peter would love that and sneak me through the sneaky window


if the show was good.


had a bad night last night

picasso


screwed up and picked up a Plus customer after work on Pico. huge mistake that i wont make again.


he was a high roller lawyer who had me drive him through some of the dumbest traffic (dumb because if he had just told me where he wanted to go instead of keeping it a secret I would have taken a faster route) to go to a liquor store.


then he had me wait for him as he looked through every row. the booze he was looking for wasnt there. he wanted something specific and fancy.


he didnt talk to me. he talked to a wide assortment of people on the phone. from the conversation i gathered where he wanted me to take him. so i drove there.


$30 later he was gone but i was far from the fishing hole that i love at that hour so i slowly made my way there and when i did the fish were all gone.


except for two guys who wanted to go to the nearest hotel which was literally half a mile away. thankfully that was a Plus ride too which has a minimum fare of $10. youd think that dudes going that short of a ride would want a simple Uber X car, but no, they wanted style for their 3 minute ride and i gave it to them.


disappointed with life i went to the McDonalds drive-thru and called it a night. went to bed early which means i woke up early.


at 6:30am i was back on the road looking for someone who wanted to go to the airport.


instead i found a woman at the Chateau who wanted to go to DryBar and then i found a different woman who needed me to take she and her cute little son to his French school in West LA.


she was a beautiful scandinavian who then needed me to take her to her work. it was a high fare because it was surging like crazy but she didnt care, which was a delight.


the morning def made up for last night and best of all i was early for work so everyone was happy.


Wednesday, March 25, 2015

last night was a good night, all my schemes were working

tumblr_nl6982xwfB1up1nc2o1_540uber plus is like fishing, you gotta know where the spots are where no one else is fishing.


and i think i found some good ones. the tricky part, just like in any part of your life is


YOU HAVE TO BE PATIENT


YOU CANNOT BE GREEDY


YOU HAVE TO HAVE AN EMPTY BLADDER


the first two are pretty simple but sometimes you end up in the skankiest public restrooms that it makes you consider peeing in a bottle and throwing that bottle in the trash


but there are a few problems with that


1) lots of poor people pick through the garbage looking for bottles and cans (clap yr hands)


2) what if you spill on your way to the dumpster


3) peeing in your car in a bottle? is that why you went to college?


there really should be safe clean beautiful public restrooms where you tip the guy a buck and you can do your thing


but sadly those places are called McDonalds and theyre not always as clean as i kept them back in the day


however nothing is as terrible as the Del Taco i found myself at in Venice


holy moses. and on top of that there were two guys selling/using/experimenting with heroin outside the door


then i worried about the bottom of my shoes, then my hands, thank god for hand sanitizer


once again THANK GOD FOR HAND SANITIZER


learned a few more things about Marina Del Rey when i left, and also learned it isnt that profitable to drive people from LAX any more


$17 LAX -> West Hollywood.


I was all, what!?!?


but i know how to fix that now so goal, imma hit you faster tonight, just wait.


are ppl cray? oui

pieam i cray?


oh hell yes.


are ppl capable of beautifully delicious wonderfully selfless loveliness and miracles?


def


is that why we should put up with each other?


no.


we should put up with each other because we are all children of God and when we diss one child we diss the creator, and since we are made in his image we are dissing ourselves.


we should put up with each other because they put up with us on our bad days, of which there are many, and we need to thank them for that.


we should put up with each other because theres really no one else


we are it. they are us. we are we. us is us.


hating ourselves is what the devil wants, not the angels.


plus it’s lazy. hate something better than each other.


hate gravity. hate darkness. hate cancer.


or better yet, use that power to explore love.


explore sexiness.


explore hotness and joy and peace and funkiness.


put up with yourself because thats what god does


and love is whats closest to godliness.


Tuesday, March 24, 2015

van halen to tour this summer, and conclude in hollywood

david lee roth van halen


Van Halen 2015 Tour Dates:

7/5 – Seattle, WA @ White River Amphitheatre

7/7 – Portland, OR @ Amphitheater Northwest

7/9 – Concord, CA @ Concord Pavilion

7/11 – San Bernardino, CA @ San Manuel Amphitheater

7/14 – Irvine, CA @ Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre

7/16 – Mountain View, CA @ Shoreline Amphitheatre

7/18 – Salt Lake City, UT @ USANA Amphitheatre

7/20 – Morrison, CO @ Red Rocks Amphitheatre

7/22 – Kansas City, MO @ Cricket Wireless Amphitheater

7/24 – Chicago, IL @ First Midwest Bank Amphitheatre

7/26 – St. Louis, MO @ Hollywood Casino Amphitheatre

7/28 – Pittsburgh, PA @ First Niagara Pavilion

7/30 – Bangor, ME @ Darling’s Waterfront Pavilion

8/1 – Boston, MA @ Xfinity Center

8/3 – Cleveland, OH @ Blossom Music Center

8/5 – London, ON @ Western Fair District

8/7 – Toronto, ON @ Molson Canadian Amphitheatre

8/9 – Holmdel, NJ @ PNC Bank Arts Center

8/11 – Hartford, CT @ Xfinity Center

8/13 – Wantagh, NY @ Nikon At Jones Beach Theater

8/23 – Hershey, PA @ Hershey Park

8/25 – Darien Center, NY @ Darien Lake Performing Arts Center

8/27 – Camden, NJ @ Susquehanna Bank Center

8/29 – Washington, DC @ Jiffy Lube Live

8/31 – Cincinnati, OH @ Riverbend Music Center

9/2 – Indianapolis, IN @ Klipsch Music Center

9/4 – Detroit, MI @ DTE Energy Music Theatre

9/6 – Bethel, NY @ Bethel Woods Center for the Arts

9/9 – Raleigh, NC @ Walnut Creek Amphitheater

9/11 – Charlotte, NC @ PNC Music Pavilion

9/13 – Tampa, FL @ MIDFLORIDA Credit Union Amphitheatre

9/15 – West Palm Beach, FL @ Coral Sky Amphitheatre

9/17 – Birmingham, AL @ Oak Mountain Amphitheatre

9/21 – Austin, TX @ Austin360 Amphitheater

9/23 – Dallas, TX @ Gexa Energy Pavilion

9/25 – Houston, TX @ Cynthia Woods Mitchell Pavilion

9/28 – Phoenix, AZ @ Ak-Chin Pavilion

9/30 – San Diego, CA @ Sleep Train Amphitheatre

10/2 – Los Angeles, CA @ Hollywood Bowl


13 years ago tonight Halle Berry made history

[embedded content]


as you probably know in 2002 she became the first black actress to win an Oscar for Actress in a Leading Role


she beat out, among others, Nicole Kidman who was nominated for her role in Moulin Rouge, where she sang, danced, and wowed people.


but Halle really dug down deep in Monster’s Ball and almost everyone agreed she deserved to go home with the statuette.


her speech was so good. all off the cuff. the way it should be.


it was cute she thanked her lawyer.


every day some deceitful little so-and-so threatens me with legal proceedings over god knows what,


i am thankful for my lawyer.


i guess i should thank her more often as well.


Blogger Twitter Timehop Jason Joins Obama’s White House

goldmana long time ago the busblog was just a humble little tadpole in the giant pond of Blogger.com


and for some reason several young men and women took mercy on me as i tried to make this thing cool.


there were like a half dozen jasons, an ev, a biz, a case, a kimmy, they were all so sweet to me, always there for me when this blog broke down or i wanted to try something new.


one day jason goldman and jason sutter invited me to visit them at Google one day and when i took them up on their offer they gave me a tour, fed me, and goldman opened up the Blogger Closet and stoked me with a hoodie, a shirt and several other things that i still have.


it was awesome.


but today something even more awesome happened: goldman became the president of the united states.


of america.


check that: vice president.


correction: super vice president of rock.


no wait, he is now the White House’s First Chief Digital Officer


While several of Obama’s former top aides have left Washington for Silicon Valley, Goldman is moving the other direction, taking over the new media and digital outreach that had evolved into one of Pfeiffer’s main projects by the time he left earlier this month. Goldman’s résumé includes Google, Medium, and Twitter, where he worked directly with co-founders Ev Williams and Biz Stone, serving as the first “head of product,” supervising managers, designers, an experts in user research and corporate marketing to develop effective outreach strategies.


Goldman, who worked on a two-week engagement project for the White House last month, will report directly to chief of staff Denis McDonough.


“Goldman brings new energy and coveted expertise as someone who’s helped shape the digital age,” Obama said.


i keep trying to tell everyone: Blogger is a magical thing that helps people in powerful ways.


it is so nice that those who helped people are continuing to realize great success. Rock on Jason!


Monday, March 23, 2015

do i miss her? duh

amber entering my car


i miss em all.


weirdly im still a sensitive poet though and when things dont work out i need a decade or two to heal.


who knows why. maybe it’s something the xbi did to me so i could get back into chopper one and focus on work.


i did the same thing with jeanine, the truest, ashley, all of em.


they say theres two things plants need: sun and water.


if you give them too much of one or the other then they’ll die.


and if they dont get enough of one or the other they may die but they’ll probably hang in there until they get one or the other.


the thing about life is you can say, “oh just give them the perfect amount every week” but life doesnt work like that. stuff happens.


sometimes there aint no water. other times there aint no sun.


and sometimes no matter what you do that plant just will not bloom.


then when you arent looking not only does it bloom but it turns out it was a secret avocado tree and now you got so many avocados you dont even know what to do.


so you gotta chill. no freaking out. no jumping off cliffs.


miss the girls and all the nice things they brought,


focus on giving back to the world and before you know it:


guacamole for days.


Sunday, March 22, 2015

Dear Tony, Whats with all the Uber writing and never any about AMPAS? Signed, Mike

in a basket


dear mike,


in 2004 or thereabouts i wrote a little thing called How To Blog.


it got turned into a book, a mini series, a 3D film they show at Universal Studios, and in Guam it’s a religion.


one of the first rules of blogging, i wrote, was never to blog about work.


blogging’s great, it will get you laid, many riches, and better tables at taquerias, but it can also get you fired.


id love to write about all of the jobs ive had over the years but Uber is really the only one i feel comfortable writing about because they pretend they’re not my employer and i pretend they dont have the power to can me,


plus even when i write about my passengers, i just gloss over the bulletpoints.


for example, got this high school girl who was very sweet but admitted she hated reading and was grateful that at her school the teachers read the books aloud to the kids. i was all what? and this is private school!


she said they also were given laptops and the teachers say its ok to write notes in the computer of the lectures


BUT ALL THE KIDS DO IS IGNORE THE TEACHER AND WATCH NETFLIX ALL DAY


your mother and i pay too much tuition for you to be doing that sweetheart!


she told me that she hates reading but loves sports but cant play any sports because her grades are so bad.


all of this from such an angelic face.


meanwhile shes taking an uber from one side of town to the other as it’s surging!


she said the grade school she was in was so small that instead of school busses the school would reimburse the kids if they took taxis.


my mind was blowing all over the inside of my car. it was a mess to clean up.


so thats why mike


Saturday, March 21, 2015

im not like them (but i can pretend)

the fox


being around super smart people, sometimes i wonder if im not so smart any more.


as you know, i have the lowest self esteem ever. so weird, negative thoughts often seep into my creative mind.


but rarely has the whisper: youre not that smart bro has entered the never ending barrage. until recently. not sure why. but whatever.


yesterday i drove and drove and drove for several reasons, the first being i felt fantastic. usually i get tired or my stomach turns sour after too many deep fried tacos or i get in a foul mood and just wanna go home.


but last night i felt great from beginning to end. at closing time i took these two sweet girls from West Hollywood to Culver City and then Santa Monica for a fare of $55. one of them even fell asleep and snored in a super cute way. i know they both felt safe that they were in the back of a mercedes sedan with a nice uber driver playing justin timberlake for them as they snoozed instead of being in the back of a smelly cab with a guy addicted to march madness chatter on the AM.


that was a great trip. but the one that made me feel not so dumb was when i picked up someone with a super fancy job and this person was such a ditz it was mindblowing. the more this person spoke the more i thought to myself, maybe God put this character in my ride to tell me “no tony, this is what a dumb person is like, you’re good.”


and i went home, hugged the kittens, and slept like a baby.


Friday, March 20, 2015

people come to LA because of the weather

from above


or lack thereof


i am one of those people.


it baffles me how few people follow in our footsteps, but when i see how cheap homes cost elsewhere it makes more sense.


im about halfway through my life expectancy and it looks like i will never have the barbie dream home my sister has had.


but i also dont have the headaches she has, nor have i needed to marry a big white guy to make it happen.


still, housing is so cheap where i grew up she could probably have had a decent home without getting hitched.


regardless, im satisfied with my 1BD apt and the more than awesomely great weather.


would i like a fridge in the garage? sure. could i get that eventually? probs.


could i get married to a wealthy woman and “have it all”?


i can do anything, but i dont want to do it that way: i want things to be natural.


you know, like hail the size of softballs pouncing on nice people at the beach.


Thursday, March 19, 2015

sinead o’conner says she wont sing her biggest hit any more

sineadbecause she doesn’t feel it any more emotionally. the controversial singer explained why on her Facebook yesterday:


OK, the time has come for me to cease singing Nothing Compares 2U. The first principle of the manner in which I’m trained as a singer (Bel Canto) is we never sing a song we don’t emotionally identify with. After twenty-five years of singing it, nine months or so ago I finally ran out of anything I could use in order to bring some emotion to it. I don’t want audiences to be disappointed coming along to a show and then not hearing it, so am letting you know here that you won’t. If I were to sing it just to please people, I wouldn’t be doing my job right, because my job is to be emotionally available. I’d be lying. You’d be getting a lie. My job is to give you honesty. I’m trained in honesty. I can’t act. It just isn’t in my training. I have ceased singing other songs over the years for the same reason.


i appreciate her idealism and i love her new songs. she’s an amazing artist.


but she’s dead wrong here.


one of the goals in art is to push oneself. a wise man once said life is the conflict between doing what you think you have to do with what you really want to do.


when you’re a musician who has been performing for over almost three decades and most people could only name two or three of your songs AND YOU DONT WANT TO PERFORM YOUR MOST POPULAR TUNE you’re not pushing yourself.


yes we want emotional performances. no one appreciates acting. but if you can’t get to the place where you can emotionally sing a beautiful song like that, my belief is you are avoiding the route to that emotion because it is TOO emotional.


tap into that, sweet lady, and you will discover a goldmine.


stop resisting.


sing your song.


be the great example, not a quitter.


Wednesday, March 18, 2015

xbi was all, we need you in Chicago

cubs season tix


i was all, are you getting high off your own supply?


they were like, what would it take to get you to move there?


i said, season tickets to the cubs, pay off my mom’s mortgage


and make sure the average temperature is 69 degrees, you know, like how it is here in LA


THE PLACE IVE LIVED FOR ALMOST EXACTLY 30 YEARS.


they said we can do the first two and thanks to the GOP, the third request is coming along.


i said, great, when it has arrived, if there’s still ozone, lemme know.


today i receieved the above. and i must say, it was tempting.


i shouldnta opened the box.


Tuesday, March 17, 2015

happy anniversary Jeanine

jeanine and me


a zillion years ago a mysterious creature named Jeanine made her way into the offices of the Daily Nexus.


she wore a scowl and a men’s blazer. she looked like Ally Sheedy in The Breakfast Club and because I’m a sucker for the Unknown i HAD to know who she was and what made her tick.


she hated me immediately because i was loud and cocky and had rough edges for days.


i probably also reeked.


we had a few dates and they were terrible and one day she dropped acid and looked me in the eyes and kissed me and i was all omg omg omg omg


a week or so later was the california collegiate journalism awards.


earlier that year i had been fired and later banned from the Nexus but somehow my three Arts sections had been submitted for judgement so i got in a car with Jeanine and a long haired named Trevor Top and we made our way from IV to Sacramento.


along the way i realized Trevor liked her too. i was very nervous because i felt he was way cooler than me, but i had kissed her, so i had that on him.


many of us piled into just a few rooms we drank nibbled on pizza and hit the hot tub.


there i held her hand to see if she would hold it in return. she did, so i kissed her. then again. it was lovely.


soon i was trying on my dress. the men of the Nexus in those days wore dresses to the awards because we were loud, cocky, and had rough edges for days that were softened with the thrift store frocks.


Jeanine helped me with my look and we walked hand in hand to the banquet room where after a few hours it became obvious that the Nexus, as usual, was going to waltz home with Every award. myself included. which was the first time we had won for Arts.


victory was mine! retribution! i had fought for every idea in those sections. much of was in contradiction to our terrible EIC at the time who had just won Best in State but had to deal with his arch enemy, moi, not only winning my big prize, but best of all i got the girl: jeanine, who couldnt care less about the awards, but was wooed by a man in a dress who was now on top of the world and on top of her on the floor of our room.


a few days later we drove to frisco, then mexico and along the way we fell in love.


the date was march 17th. st. paddys day. our anniversary. 10 BC. and we will love each other forever.


Monday, March 16, 2015

the Lord’s Day

sass with my special


even though it was the lords day, i had a full day which started with sass texting me telling me she was back in america did i wanna meet her for brunch


i said sure, where? she said how about by your house. so she drove her mini to me and got a table and texted me which is precisely what you should do and i waltzed over and we started chatting and soon there were grits and eggs benedict and lemonade which is also precisely what i love for brunch.


sass is traveling a lot. globetrotting. and of course in the midst of lots of dramaz so it was fun to talk about all of those things. afterwards she wanted a real juice because the air quality was affecting her sensitive ph balance so we drove over to hipster central and got her some of the Tony Special. it was lovely.


sunset in venice


ali called me out on insta the night before because i was ubering in her neck of the woods and i didnt reach out to her. you just assume a smoking hot single girl who has been toning that sweet bod through crossfit would be up to her eyeballs with male attention, but i suppose everyone wants a little more busblog in their lives, so i texted her back and said lets sushi? she said oui.


because the lovely amber had hooked me up with some uber rides i decided to play it safe and uber over because the large saki large beer combo is just begging for a DUI so for the past few times ive gone ive ubered. it’s nice. thanks amber.


and because it was the Lords day i brought my ipad and read the bible on the way. we were driving right into the sunset and it was a dream. i really am very lucky to live here. especially when i hear about boston’s 100 inches of snow.


ali and i had a great time. peter served us well. the only frustration he and i had was she wouldnt tell us what secret video game she is so busy working on, but in a few months we will all know and she swears we will love it.


soft shelled crab


on my uber ride home i was totally prepared to read more especially when my uber driver was struggling with english, but as we talked i realized he is from Iraq. so he told me all about what it was like to live there his whole life but was forced to immigrate here after the fall of saddam because the violence was unmanageable.


he told me that the two times the US bombed the city we were always careful to only hit military targets, civilians rarely got hurt. but after the fall of saddam other islamic forces started fighting each other. “it would be like Glendale fighting Burbank” he explained. he said he often had to inspect under his car for bombs and eventually the bad people took over his whole block and kicked everyone out of their homes and then blew them up.


fortunately he had been working for an american company for a few years and they helped him move here with his family. older guy. so sweet. answered all of my questions with very little emotion. but i was dying inside. imagine being terrorized by one enemy after another and worst of all the “liberation” of your tyrant turns out to be a bad thing.


when he dropped me off i thanked him for sharing his story, i tipped him well, and even though i was a little buzzed i said, “hold on, wait, i know this phrase, ah yes, a salaam alaikum”


he smiled very warmly and said “Wa alaykum.”


indeed it was the Lord’s Day.


Sunday, March 15, 2015

i had a great day yesterday, one of the best

lady in the window


after several rides i said, “thank you Lord. THANK YOU!”


i have a sunroof, so i looked up through it and said, “i see you loving me down here!”


the weather was perfect, the aromas from the trees, the good vibes from every single person.


wow.


WOW!


im so lucky to be doing the two jobs that i get to do. and drive this magical car


and be healthy and get to drive around this city that ive known for over 30(!) years.


so lucky.


so blessed.


Friday, March 13, 2015

Obama reads mean tweets

[embedded content]


I feel like they coulda been meaner


back in the saddle

rock doc


last night was fantastic. first night driving Uber Plus, and even though the Plus rides were great, i still have the option to also do UberX trips and my sole X ride was the best.


but first the plusses:


first plus was a teenage high school girl in Beverly Hills.


pick her up and shes going to Beverly Hills High. she’s doing a piano recital there.


i teller that shes my first Plus ever and she tells me to get ready because ALL the kids at her school love to order Plus


kirsten-dunst-candy-sweets-on-the-set-of-marie-antoinetteand then puke in the cars.


“they’re not uptight that i’m gonna charge them a $250 cleaning fee?” i ask her


“they’re rich, they dont care!” she reminds me.


when i drop her off she says, “say adios to your clean car!”


right away i get pinged for someone at the Century Plaza in Century City.


Obama is in town so theres cops everywhere because back in the day presidents stayed there because it has a helipad.


get the guy and he’s going to the airport.


we have a great ride. he asks me to stop at a gas station when i find one because he wants some chewing tobacco.


first gas station didnt have it, second one does, no prob. we hit a little obama traffic but not much, we’re have a great convo.


get to the airport in a half hour. my guess is the fare will be about $30. turns out it’s $50 and i call my mom because im so happy.


ma, Plus is gonna be it!


get a coke and my phone is blowing up from X passenger requests which i ignore because i want one more plus and i will call it a night.


instead i realize, dummy, if someone is trying to get you from one of the hotels near LAX they’re probably (wisely) trying to get from LAX to Hollywood, so i accept it because it’s better to have $20 in your pocket and be out of the deadspace that is LAX.


in come two lovely Aussies who yes took a shuttle from LAX to the nearest hotel and summoned me.


the woman is a nurse, the man is a doctor, but not just any old doc, a Rock Doctor. he helps singers and rock stars stay healthy while theyre on the road.


we hit it off, have the best convo about music and LA and he even tips me well and we exchange info for when he comes back to LA.


i drive around a bit more looking for plus rides but ive already hit my goal and it’s barely 10pm


so i call it a night because the weekend approaches and you wanna pace yourself so you dont die.


sometimes when you hustle

art


good things happen.


who knew?


Thursday, March 12, 2015

bukowski never whined

picasso


he just kept doing his thing: working, drinking, writing, snoring.


they didnt have the saying “first world problems” back then, and even though for some of his life he was either being tormented and beaten by his father or struggling and running from landlords in skid row,


he probably would have said that any problem that he had was a first world problem.


he didnt have to worry about malaria or getting something to eat. he always had a bottle of wine, a hot bathtub, and a radio to listen to music by.


artmy biggest problem, the one i want to complain about, is the biggest first world problem i could ever imagine: uber hasn’t classified my mercedes into Uber Plus yet


it’s very frustrating, but i can still eat, i can still sext, i can still go to the farmers market and order a tri tip sandwich potato salad and collard greens.


the garbage men make a lot of noise but they take away the garbage.


i dont remember one whine from picasso or ernie banks or even noah and noah never even had an xbox.


imagine you live 500 years like noah did and you never got to play madden.


yes i want to drive again. soon. maybe tonight. yes i want to take rich ppl or business ppl or ppl who dont wanna sit in the back of a dirty prius. ppl who will pay 2.3x the typical rate.


and yes those ppl wanna ride with me, the greatest uber driver of all times. the one who knows all the streets and the stories behind the buildings and the tales of what used to be there and what is planned for there and there.


the one who will play sinatra on channel 71 or smooth jams on 3, who can talk to you about the back up back up point guard for the clippers, the coach’s son, or local state or federal politics.


or nothing at all.


some ppl just want the driver to chill till the next episode and close the sun roof and get their ass to their mistresses crib in the hills.


and hear nothing but the sounds of the rubber on the wet road and the shifting of gears.


and babies i want that too.


Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Isabella Rosellini’s mom writes Cary Grant

094_073020Every now and then I stumble across something rare and super cool at work, which is weird because our libraries are filled with rare and super cool stuff.


Today I found a great letter from Ingrid Bergman to her good friend Cary Grant in 1957 thanking him for accepting her Best Actress Oscar a few days previous. He had accepted the award for her because she was in quasi exile in Europe because she was in a scandalous relationship that was even denounced on the floor of the U.S. Senate(!).


The scandal was so intense that Ed Sullivan wouldn’t have her on as a guest even though a poll voted on by viewers overwhelmingly said they wanted her on the show.


Still Sullivan said no!


What was the scandal? She fell in love with Roberto Rossellini her Italian director and divorced her husband to be with him and live in Italy and have little Italian bambinos.


For 6-7 years she stayed in Europe making weird neorealistic films and being a mommy until her career shifted and she left Rosellini.


Her first major studio movie in her comeback was Anastasia, which earned her the Oscar. It was a mild upset because she beat out Deborah Kerr who starred in the hugely popular My Fair Lady. Only problem was Kerr didn’t sing in the musical. There was a stunt singer. And how do you give someone an Oscar for a musical where they didnt sing?


Thus Bergman won and her career was back on track. But first Grant accepted for her. And she sent him a terrific letter filled with cute little typewriter typos and actual real insights about her “getting” it that she had omg won an Oscar.


The year after she won she returned to the U.S. to present the Best Picture at the Oscars and was given a standing ovation by the audience.


they loved her again.


they had never stopped.


screw the senate, screw ed sullivan’s really big shoe, screw anyone who said a woman couldnt divorce her husband.


Tuesday, March 10, 2015

if i had kids, the biggest lesson id teach them is life isnt fair

springid tell them some people will be richer in finances than you could ever imagine


and some will be poorer in the pocketbook than you’d ever know.


some will be able to drink bottles and bottles of wine, and some, even if they had a little glass would freak out.


id tell them some will be able to hit a ball left handed and run superfast to first


and some will swing and miss every time and never get better.


id tell them that this isnt a terrible game The Good Lord plays on us,


instead it’s a wonderful game


to see what we are really made of.


in books, movies, and tv shows we see how things, stuff, possessions, and cash rarely make the rich happy for very long.


even the kardashians and kanye show us that no matter what they accumulate, they arent any more joyous and happy than Honey Boo Boo, whose parents broke up once they got rich and famous.


happiness is the goal.


love is the target.


and the secret ingredient through all of that is trust.


trust your bffs, trust the Lord, trust the process, trust nature, trust your heart.


and most importantly trust that the angels above knew what they were doing when


they sent theo epstein from boston to chicago for a bag of beans.


trust that he is building the team that will right all the wrongs cub fans have endured over the years


and once we win the world series, our hair will grow back


our cavities will be filled


and our hearts will be healed


forever.


Monday, March 9, 2015

Joe Biden unloads

new york daily news traitorsthe GOP has been whiny little bitches ever since the USA’s first half black president took office.


but today 47 conservative senators went around Obama and sent a letter to the hardliners in Iran to tell them a bunch of nonsense that pretty much only makes them look like asswipes.


the vice president fired back at the unprofessional, disrespectful senators


I served in the United States Senate for thirty-six years. I believe deeply in its traditions, in its value as an institution, and in its indispensable constitutional role in the conduct of our foreign policy. The letter sent on March 9th by forty-seven Republican Senators to the Islamic Republic of Iran, expressly designed to undercut a sitting President in the midst of sensitive international negotiations, is beneath the dignity of an institution I revere.


The senator’s letter, in the guise of a constitutional lesson, ignores two centuries of precedent and threatens to undermine the ability of any future American President, whether Democrat or Republican, to negotiate with other nations on behalf of the United States. Honorable people can disagree over policy. But this is no way to make America safer or stronger.


Around the world, America’s influence depends on its ability to honor its commitments. Some of these are made in international agreements approved by Congress. However, as the authors of this letter must know, the vast majority of our international commitments take effect without Congressional approval. And that will be the case should the United States, the United Kingdom, France, Russia, China, and Germany reach an understanding with Iran. There are numerous similar cases. The recent U.S.-Russia framework to remove chemical weapons from Syria is only one recent example. Arrangements such as these are often what provide the protections that U.S. troops around the world rely on every day. They allow for the basing of our forces in places like Afghanistan. They help us disrupt the proliferation by sea of weapons of mass destruction. They are essential tools to the conduct of our foreign policy, and they ensure the continuity that enables the United States to maintain our credibility and global leadership even as Presidents and Congresses come and go.


Since the beginning of the Republic, Presidents have addressed sensitive and high-profile matters in negotiations that culminate in commitments, both binding and non-binding, that Congress does not approve. Under Presidents of both parties, such major shifts in American foreign policy as diplomatic recognition of the People’s Republic of China, the resolution of the Iran hostage crisis, and the conclusion of the Vietnam War were all conducted without Congressional approval.


In thirty-six years in the United States Senate, I cannot recall another instance in which Senators wrote directly to advise another country—much less a longtime foreign adversary— that the President does not have the constitutional authority to reach a meaningful understanding with them. This letter sends a highly misleading signal to friend and foe alike that that our Commander-in-Chief cannot deliver on America’s commitments—a message that is as false as it is dangerous.


The decision to undercut our President and circumvent our constitutional system offends me as a matter of principle. As a matter of policy, the letter and its authors have also offered no viable alternative to the diplomatic resolution with Iran that their letter seeks to undermine.


There is no perfect solution to the threat posed by Iran’s nuclear program. However, a diplomatic solution that puts significant and verifiable constraints on Iran’s nuclear program represents the best, most sustainable chance to ensure that America, Israel, and the world will never be menaced by a nuclear-armed Iran. This letter is designed to convince Iran’s leaders not to reach such an understanding with the United States.The author of this letter has been explicit that he is seeking to take any action that will end President Obama’s diplomatic negotiations with Iran. But to what end? If talks collapse because of Congressional intervention, the United States will be blamed, leaving us with the worst of all worlds. Iran’s nuclear program, currently frozen, would race forward again. We would lack the international unity necessary just to enforce existing sanctions, let alone put in place new ones. Without diplomacy or increased pressure, the need to resort to military force becomes much more likely—at a time when our forces are already engaged in the fight against ISIL.


The President has committed to prevent Iran from obtaining a nuclear weapon. He has made clear that no deal is preferable to a bad deal that fails to achieve this objective, and he has made clear that all options remain on the table. The current negotiations offer the best prospect in many years to address the serious threat posed by Iran’s nuclear ambitions. It would be a dangerous mistake to scuttle a peaceful resolution, especially while diplomacy is still underway.


if senators had done this to Reagan there woulda been a congressional civil war.


meanwhile the new york daily news’ cover for tomorrow is priceless


this weekend i did something i havent done in a long long time

uber hq


nothing.


usually, as you know, i work my real job M-F and then friday nights and saturday i uber.


despite pleading with uber on thursday and then again on friday to approve my new vehicle they are the slowest machine in the world when it comes to matters that would be beneficial to drivers so they wrote me back late friday saying theyve received all my docs but hang in there it is “pending”, which isnt what you want to hear.


you want to hear, “thank you for upgrading to a luxury car FOR US, now go out and make some damn money.”


to add insult to injury they texted all of us on friday telling us that if we went to the westwood office on saturday we would get a free tshirt if we listened to their spiel about UberPool, which sadly is Not a 24-hour spa where Uber drivers can shit shower shave and soak in a pool/hottub while taking a break from driving.


16562055638_a27debe51a_z


because im not used to sitting on my hands on the weekend, i drove over to their HQ (which just happens to be in the building PeopleSupport used to occupy back in the day, which we called Westwood 2.) in hopes that someone there would be able to switch the button which would let me drive.


instead they claimed all they could do was talk to me about Uber Pool and give me a tshirt.


i passed. pissed. drove back home. involved myself in two fantasy baseball drafts and then watched movies and tv shows and read the bible. and took a walk around los feliz because it’s super warm.


i must say i do feel very rested and ready to take on this week, but i made no extra cash and i feel like i wasted my life.


say la vee.


hopefully uber lets me drive soon.


Sunday, March 8, 2015

saw Blade Runner for the first time today

s_young_in_blade_runner


thoughts:

Sean Young was terrific and reminded me of midwestern dream girl Lindsay


like Gene Siskel i thought the movie was sorta soulless and we end up not caring much for the characters except Young.


but i thought the sets were obviously amazing and i was impressed with how they transformed DTLA into the future


BLADE-RUNNER


it’s interesting that Harrison Ford is still pretty much playing the same roles.


blade_runner_22


one of the main characters (the guy on the left) was one of my favorite characters on Newhart. “I’m Daryl and this is my other brother Daryl”.


which is ironic because as you can see here he shares many scenes in Blade Runner with Daryl Hannah, who was great, but no one ever talks about in this for some reason.


the early 80s were great for Young and Hannah: Young was in this, Stripes, and No Way Out. Hannah was in this, Splash, and Clan of the Cave Bear.


[embedded content]


It’s interesting to see that Siskel and Ebert were split on this one way back in 1982, but both loved Diner (totally agree).


Wednesday, March 4, 2015

leonard nimoy’s advice to a bi-racial teenage girl in 1968

spock star trek advice to a biracial girl


“It takes a great deal of courage to turn your back on popularity and go out on your own.”


Chuck Jones’ rules for writing The Road Runner

beep beep


beep beep


watched the Longest Yard last night, but it got cut off at the very end

hugsso i laughed.


which scared the cats, which were laying on me.


the night before i watched this older Jared Leto movie “Mr. Nobody”, which was weird, but good.


this is my life without driving Uber.


not sure i like it. can’t wait to get back out there.


work has been busy, recapping what went down, setting up new things for the new year.


xbi has been annoying. new neighbors have been loud.


yesterday my buddy chris and i had a margarita at lunch. how did Don Draper do it?


i guess he napped a lot on his couch.


soon as i got home yesterday i took a nap bc of that silly margarita.


realized i have good cats. they dont wake me or try to sleep on my head.


when im asleep they sleep too. when im watching tv they sleep. when im reading they sleep.


only time they bother me is when im eating, which i do a lot more at home cuz i dont wanna do it in my car.


because my car is spotless.


and will soon be earning me some income.


so soon.


i wanna see Chappie in iMax friday and it better not suck.


what it feels like on days that i dont blog

Monday, March 2, 2015

today xTx came out with another book

xtxher last book was the best book i read that year


so im sure this book will be the best book i read this year, which is why i bought it


and why you should too.


xTx is like quentin tarantino of writing stuff down, it’s at times brutal, and often beautiful.


there are very few people who i think, i might never write as good as them,


xTx is at the top of that list, and i heart her for that because i know she must practice a lot.


she inspires me to keep blogging and maybe one day write another book, not so that i can compete with her but so i can break out of whatever shell the devil has convinced me to walk into.


the good Lord wants us to write. that was the message ive gotten from xTx’s stories. He wants us to write because when we do we show the world that even though we look like the typical next door neighbor, we are filled with amazing insights and fascinating lies.


we remind the world that the world is more than the world. it’s four dimentional


the fourth wall being a waterbed


and it’s heated.


xTx reminds us that the days are going to pass anyhow, may as well be working on something, particularly something interesting and powerful. i ordered her book this afternoon and it was the easiest purchase i made next to buying kitty litter: it’s an of course.


very few things in life are like that that doesnt involve poop.