i learned a bunch of stuff about the blues brothers today

our library has all these scripts and while researching for this other thing today i got to read the first 100 pages of the original 300+ page blues brothers script.

very very very different, and i cant say better.

which is to say whoever edited it and trimmed the fat knew what they were doing.

the script gets into great detail about finding All of the band members one by one

it includes the fact that elwood takes jake to a whore house like right after he gets out of jail

and the part that i wanted to learn about was pretty long: elwood’s last day at his day job

a chemical factory.

what i was trying to learn was the secret of the blues brothers always being able to get away from the cops.

turns out it due to two reasons that the movie doesnt really get into

1. The Bluesmobile is actually a little magical

2. Elwood’s arsenal of aerosol cans of chemicals

parts were very funny like lightenig hawkins getting into a fight with john lee hooker

but parts were also very tedious and predictable.

And the “we’re on a mission from God” didnt appear in the first script or at least the first 100 pages. which i find weird. in fact they dont really even seem to “see the light” when they go to the church.

and instead of James Brown being the preacher it’s a black guitar legend.

super fascintating and i cant wait to go back to read more.

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my mom thinks everything is weird, so does this girl i work with

weird thing is, though, my mom was in college in the 60s

she was like 16 years old in college during the Civil Rights Era

then she was in DC and other big cities when the hippies were running around

then she gave birth to yours truly mr xbi busblog.

youd think by now that if she saw a wes anderson movie she would have actually Experienced so called weirdness, that his film wouldnt seem weird to her.

but it does

because she is a georgia peach constantly expecting life to return to the Leave It To Beaver early 60s

well i aint returning to that snoozefest.

im stoked to be in Hollywood and driving through LA in the middle of the night receiving snapchats from strippers and death threats from evil doers.

you know what movie seemed weird to me this year: bad ones.

i think its weird that youd take millions of dollars from people and give us a film with no ending or a bad ending or worst of all a boring beginning middle and end

to me, thats weird, not bill murray being an awesome concierge or two little kids taking a walk in the woods.

anyways i love my mom and she loves you too. except for everyone who has fired me.

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andrew sullivan quit blogging today: good

i didnt read his whole deal, because it was whining, but i understand.

blogging isn’t easy. especially marathon blogging. and for sure its a grind when youre writing about politics.

but judging from what i read, bro was sad that there isn’t a vibrant blogging community out there any more, and it seemed he was sad there wasnt a bunch of money left in it neither.

to quote the great artie lang: whaaaaaaaaa.

omg boo hoo you cant make a bucketload from writing on the web.

i say good.

when the blogosphere was buzzing, those were some good times, but does no one remember all the scum? all the lame ass blogs trying to teach you how to make money from your crappy crap?

all the blogs that were just echos of the others?

ignorance on top of ignorance sprinkled with annoyance?

all of those ppl are gone now.

now is the time the real bloggers are doing their thing.

anyone can blog when there are ads paying your rent and commentors fueling your ego

the real writing happens in a lonesome, empty

darkly lit

pit.

now is the worst time to bail.

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Feeling Minnesotan

[embedded content]

The Minnesota Timberwolves dont have a lot to celebrate or party with right now, in part because their best player, Kevin Love, defected to Cleveland to play alongside King James.

In advance of Love’s first game back to the Twin Cities, the TWolves put out this video today which to me is the most brilliant diss of the year.

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i want chips, like all the time, in my mouth

it’s what makes me fat, im certain, but what can i do.

those and the drive thru visits. and the lack of exercise.

but what i want, always, as in right now, are chips. any sorts.

doritios, bbq, oil and vinegar, cheetos, fritos, sun chips, avocado chips,

but especially funyuns, like right now, like in my mouth.

the problem with funyuns though is they ruin your breath for a good day.

no amount of mouthwash will wash that onion out.

so like what if a nice girl wants to kiss you?

you can point to your cheek and have her kiss there, but youre supposed to be a man.

on top of that youre supposed to be a gentleman, which means everything about you should smell fantastic.

most importantly your breath. which it wont if you eat funyuns.

i dont even like onions is the thing but i love funyuns.

thats how crazy i am.

so usually the only time i indulge in my favorite snack is late at night

once i know theres no chance for a pretty girl to wanna smooch with me.

it’s also a good booty call device because if someone txts you and says whattya doin

and its 2:15am, you can honestly say, i just downed a bag of funyuns

and if they say can me and my bff come over you can say

i just downed a bag of funyuns

and see if they giggle and say

so

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29 years ago today i was selling tvs in west LA’s

the super store was called Federated Group, known for its zany commercials, i was but a lad but i was great at selling home stereos, car stereos, boomboxes,

however tvs were my specialty.

29 years ago for some reason i was working the afternoon shift. maybe i didnt have school that day.

not a lot of salesmen were on the floor. i remember this clearly. because when the rich couple came in looking for a new tv i was able to greet them and begin qualifying the customer.

you know: what tv are you replacing, where will this go in your home, what features are you looking for, what made you choose Federated, could it have been our world famous extended service plans?

and as they started talking behind me the giant wall of 100 tvs all started showing the same thing: the Challenger space shuttle warming up on the launch pad.

“hey before we go on, how about we watch the astronauts?” the gentleman asked.

“sure, I said and turned up the volume of the JVC 25″ set that i wanted to sell them and the Sony 25 XBR that i used to compare it to that cost $100 more that i was willing to allow them to trade up to

their choice.

the countdown began, 10, 9, 8, 7, etc, the smoke built up around the space craft

then the ship began to slowly rise from the platform, it gained speed

and, of course, it then exploded

zenith, magnavox, rca, daytron, hitachi, panasonic, quasar, and even the sony and jvc all showed those brilliant lives

scatter across the sky.

the couple looked at the screens like i did, in astonishment

and then sadness.

and then super sadness.

no tv was purchased that day.

but they did take my card.

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saw Nightcrawler. what an excellent movie

revised list of favorite films of 2014

1. whiplash

2. birdman

3. nightcrawler

4. lego movie

5. grand budapest hotel

6. boyhood

7. selma

8. the interview

9. jodorowsky’s dune

10. guardians of the galaxy

11. maleficent

12. st. vincent

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today i learned about thora birch

thora was that young actress who was in American Beauty (but not the one who got naked with the dad) and was also in Ghost World with Scarlet Johnansson.

Thora, and this is Oscar Trivia that you wont see on Trivial Pursuit, is the only actress to star in an Oscar-winning Best Picture film who parents were xxx-rated stars.

yes, both of them.

in fact both of Thoras parents were not just porn stars but they both appeared in one of the most classic adult films ever: Deep Throat.

so thats the fun part the cute part the trivia part the part that is unique and weird and all omg

the sad part is about her dad.

Thoras dad, despite being a former porn star, gets super weird when dudes stepped to his little girl

even in movies!

which as we all know are just like the busblog: make believe.

thoras dad, allegedly, would blow his top when dudes would have love scenes with his angel and he would threaten them.

maybe it was like a vietnam flashback? maybe if it wasnt a movie he’d be all cool?

no, when thora was the ripe old age of 28 she was in a play

A PLAY

and mr birch threatened a young actor who was to get cozy with Thora and it basically got her fired from the show.

which only goes to show you: you can tune a piano but you cant have your dad manage you if he was a porn star who met your mom on the set of Deep Throat.

now take on the day

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best and craziest play from last night’s Clipper game

Blake and Chris Paul ruling along with J Crawford

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chris and i go to the clipper game

my buddy chris is a laker fan. he’s also a season ticket holder.

he’s only been to two clippers games. one i took him to several years ago.

and tonight.

my boss is a clipper fan. he’s also a season ticket holder.

for some reason he couldnt use his tickets tonight and asked if i was interested.

i hadnt seen the clippers all year so why not, it was rainy and not really the type of night i wanted to uber in.

chris picked me up at my pad after work and we drove in.

we got to our seats, which were good, but after getting our second beer right before halftime we noticed these third row seats seemed lonely and maybe we should eat our nachos there until the half.

the half came and went and no one booted us, so we stayed.

meanwhile the clippers fought back to get the lead through dunks, great D, and solid passing.

blake griffin ended the night with like 16 points 10 assists and 9 boards.

i took the subway home and played with the cats who have sorta ignored me

after they drank blood the other night.

earlier at work i may have discovered a never before scene in the blues brothers.

tomorrow i will have to investigate it closer.

it could be amazing.

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to honor ernie banks

for the rest of the year i will

post two posts a day

#14

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im worried about heaven

the only logical reason for ernie banks to be dead is because God needed Heaven to be happier.

Ernie Banks, Mr. Cub, was like the sun. he was always there, always warm, and you’d always be glad to see him.

the skinny shortstop and later first baseman hit 512 home runs without cheating

and more importantly, with a smile on his face.

joy is a thing many athletes, and non-athletes, have difficulty expressing at work

but not Ernie, even when it was no longer his job.

like all of us, he loved baseball and the world’s most beautiful park, Wrigley Field so much that you could just see it on his face. and that made you love it.

ernie has been a Cub my entire life, yet i never remember him in bad spirits, or sad, or, omg mad.

and trust me, there have been many times all Cub fans have had good reasons to be all of those things.

ernie was the first black baseball player on the Cubs. imagine that. and like Jackie Robinson for the Dodgers, what a spectacular first for the Cubs. a solid athlete, and an absolute gentleman.

for some reason i never thought he would die.

for some reason i thought that in a year or two when the Cubs finally won the World Series, there would be Ernie in the locker room holding the trophy, having bubbly poured over him

and him saying

this is so wonderful, let’s play two today!

this year, for some reason, the Cubs’ first game is a night game.

in honor of their most beloved player ever, they should schedule another game before it, in the day time

and have an Opening Day Night double header

because Ernie’s right, any day at Wrigley is wonderful, so let’s play two.

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time to catch up

one of the best benefits of working at the academy starts this week.

for the next couple of weeks we screen every movie nominated for every category: twice.

this allows for the voting members to see the films before they vote for them, or re-see them.

im not a voting member but because i do get to go.

here is my little schedule, some days are empty cuz ive seen the films:

tonight: Capt. America: The Winter Soldire

saturday: X-Men: Days of Future Past

sunday: Foxcatcher

monday: Beyond the lights

tuesday: Nightcrawler

weds: Glen Campbell… I’ll Be Me

sat 1/31: American Sniper

mon: Finding Vivian Maier

tues: Still Alice

weds: Last Days in Vietnam

thrs: The Theory of Everything

fri: Citizen Four

sat 2/7: Begin Again

sun: Live Action Shorts, Animation Shorts, The Box Trolls

mon: Song of the Sea

tues: Tangerines

weds: Mr. Turner

thurs Timbucktu, Ida

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after the winds come and go

and the rain and the three cold days

the stars come back, a miracle because of

all the light pollution

and they just wanna hang there.

they think we’re better

than we think we are.

imagine that.

prettiest things in the universe.

my doctor says the xbi doctor is right

that im gonna live as long as those stars

so i probably should stop it with the mcdonalds breakfasts.

how about no drive thrus until after 8pm

she asked snapping the rubber glove.

im always down for a challenge.

this is the creamiest avocado ive ever had.

how is that possible.

how is anything possible.

we are robots with self charging solar batteries and the most miraculous cpus.

you know why i believe in god?

because he showed off

with our eyes.

not just practical

but

and .

the big bang doesnt accidentally produce eyes like yrs

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ballghazigate

so twice now in the last few years the new england patriots have been caught cheating

this time they were caught during the AFC Championship game

now a real commissioner would rule that the Patriots, who are on probation, have forfeited their right to play in the Super Bowl

or a soft commissioner would rule that the Patriots should have two people banned from the Super Bowl

namely the coach, who is a huge liar, and obvs knows when 11 of 12 balls are being fucked with

and the QB who is also a huge liar and obvs knows when the centerpiece of his professional life

the football in his hands

is 16% lighter and squeezier than normal balls.

but we dont live in that world. we live in a world where the NFL commissioner wants to keep his $44 million salary

and he doesnt want to scare his bosses, the NFL owners, into thinking that he would ever do anything that dramatic to them

if he ever caught them with their hands in the cookie jar.

so he will do the least courageous thing possible: he will fine the team a few hundred grand

and make them lose another draft pick.

just like last time

just like any time.

why? because his balls are deflated too.

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had some great soup last night with my buddy chris

if you woulda told me when i was a little leaguer that id be a man who would pay $11 for a salad at lunch

and $10 for a bigass bowl of vietnamese soup for dinner

i woulda told you, this is why my momma doesnt let me talk to strangers.

when chris said he wanted to have dinner i was all hmmm where can we go. thai? chinese? armenian?

then he said “somewhere healthy” and i forgot hes been on this health kick for the last couple of years.

so as we were driving down sunset i said hey how about some Pho

he said sure.

i said you want local casual pho or hipster pho

and before he could answer i said lets see what the hipsters are up to.

and not only was it great but we ran into former KPCC lovely and now LA Times artist, Lily

who was not eating pho, i dont even know what she was eating but it wasnt soup.

probably because she was all i aint paying no $10 for a bigass bowl of soup.

but man were we happy with our choice.

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a comment from a long time reader

Tony,

You need to get out of LA pronto. You don’t need the Hollywood Hills house in your rear view mirror all day. The constant visibility of all the things you don’t have is clouding your mind as to all that you do have.

Ok you just got another job after being down and out for a while, all your friends are there and (insert your favorite rationalization to stay here). Whatever. I ain’t saying never come back.

I been reading your blog a long time. You need a break my man.

A radical break.

fine. but where?

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this is how you talk truth to power

not that huckabee has any power, but still

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theres a guy who wants to build a restaurant bar 200 feet from my apartment

he swears he wants to form a bond with the neighbors here.

yet he has his guys jackhammer the building starting at 8am on saturday

and now 8:45am on tuesday.

while its nice that he gave his workers MLK day off, it’s weird that he thinks hes going to make friends by waking everyone up on saturdays.

how did pete rose get banned from baseball and yet dickweeds and imbeciles get to own parts of hollywood, do ridiculous things selfishly

and think they can just have whatever they want.

i wrote a letter a while ago that said if he tries to squeeze this thing into our hood, a place that already has major parking issues

im just gonna call the cops every night for disturbing the peace

and i only lie on this blog

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is fear your friend or your foe

when i look around my apartment and wonder why i dont have a house i think about two things, three really, that are keeping me back.

and theyre all crazy.

the first is the lottery. for some reason i think one day imma win the big grand prize and buy a house on the hill in hollywood with an infinity pool.

the feeling is so real i wonder if in a past life i won the lottery and bought a house and had a former porn star maid who wore great clothes, dusted from time to time but mostly floated around the pool reading the wall street journal.

the second is a series of books. for some reason whenever i feel like i need a million bucks i need to write a few books like how bukowski did and move to san pedro. but then theres this voice in my head that says “dont you forget, you hate writing books, and youre tired of them, and they take so long, and theyre painful. and btw you suck at writing anything longer than what would fit on a post card.”

and then i think fine, i will make a book of post card love letters to random ladies.

the third is marrying rich. but i dont wanna get married. im sure i would get bored within minutes, even if she was super rich. and im positive i would bore her too.

to me the worst thing in the world is to be bored. life is a miracle. id rather read the web and my books and watch tv and drive LA around LA all day than be in a relationship where i wasnt stimulated by the person i was shacked up with.

even if she was a zillionaire. especially if she was a zillionaire bc i bet she would have interesting friends who would give us tips on how to remodel our mcmansion, which doesnt need any damn remodeling. and who would saunter over during the day when i was supposed to be writing and she would float in the pool with the x pornstar maid and theyd talk about what they read in the wall street journal and yell at me to look up and judge their high diving contest.

and id say we dont have a high dive

and theyd say, we are high, and we’re gonna dive, so judge us.

and thats why everyone wants to marry rich. but we all know that never works out.

why? because no one wants to be the silver medalist. which is who you are when you dont fall fall fall into omg i love you love.

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clipper girls cousin sent me a quiz

Questions not usually asked

1:Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?

open

2:Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?

im bald, remember? (of course)

3:Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?

depends on how long ago the maid came

4:Have you ever stolen a street sign before?

no comment

5:Do you like to use post-it notes?

no. it hurts the rainforest.

6:Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?

not any more. we live in a paperless society

7:Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees?

bees. cuz they die when they bite you/

8:Do you have freckles?

im black and not a former Boston Celtic!

9:Do you always smile for pictures?

yes

10:What is your biggest pet peeve?

people who dont turn right on a red light when it’s clear

11:Do you ever count your steps when you walk?

of course not!

14:Do you ever dance even if there’s no music playing?

dont do drugs

15:Do you chew your pens and pencils?

dont do hard drugs

16:How many people have you slept with this week?

zero people. kittens: two.

17:What size is your bed?

perfect size

18:What is your Song of the week?

the taylor swift song where shes admitting shes cray

19:Is it okay for guys to wear pink?

yes, but it’s a tricky maneuver

20:Do you still watch cartoons?

the simpsons forever

21:Whats your least favorite movie?

Blues Brothers 2000

22:Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?

in an old folks home

23:What do you drink with dinner?

Coke

24:What do you dip a chicken nugget in?

hot mustard

25:What is your favorite food?

Soul

26:What movies could you watch over and over and still love?

the blues brothers, moonrise kingdom, kill bill 2, pee wee’s big adventure

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some good things and some bad things happened to me in 2014

but a ginormous sink hole didnt open up beneath me

and suck me down into the firey flames of Sheol.

and if it had,

finally id have something spicy to tell you.

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i got a nice message today from someone telling me they think im cool

im not the slightest bit cool.

i actively seek out the worst clothes and then never iron them.

i refuse to clean anything except my uber car and my body.

then theres my body, ahahahaha

if anything i just try to be relaxed. something i learned from sandy koufax.

heres what bill murray said a few years ago to the new york times about being relaxed.

“The more relaxed you are, the better you are at everything: the better you are with your loved ones, the better you are with your enemies, the better you are at your job, the better you are with yourself.”

so there you have it. uncool, but cool with it.

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drove a couple on their first date through hollywood last night

he was strikingly handsome and confident and in control.

it was closing time and all the younguns were huddled on the curbs waiting for their rides to pick them up.

they were arguing because she wanted to head to her apartment real quick to take a leak and grab a sweater and he wanted to pick up his guy friend.

because i was raised right i told them both that i would drive to the lady’s house

because shes a lady and we as gentlemen should honor that.

fuckit if he gave me a one star rating.

as we waited outside her pad he explained to me what he was up to: they were headed to a hollywood hills after party and the friend was a buddy who had cocaine and he didn’t want to miss the chance to meet up with him.

meanwhile she was “just a” Tinder date. he had an exwife in town and an exgirfriend he still wasnt over who lived out of town.

as he told me these tales and showed me pictures on his phone of the beautiful women he was juggling, i couldnt but help thinking about katie’s post last week about how hard it is for a single girl to get a handsome man in LA to not be a selfish asswipe.

because it’s true. even if you’re not a handsome player, LA is awash in spectacular women of all sorts from all around the world who are down for whatever, because why not, we’re in LA.

i have no advice for anyone, for once. except for this: love is the most elusive butterfly. you never know where it will land or how long it will loiter there.

if you grab at it you might kill it, and if you think you’re clever enough to predict it’s next move you’re actually cray.

so just do your best to do the impossible: and enjoy the dance.

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it wouldnt be so bad if the company wasnt worth $40 billion

and i realize that start-ups dont typically go around and spread, oh, a half billion of that back to their drivers.

the face of their company.

one small reason the concept is working.

you know, the people who paid for the cars, and the gas, and the auto repairs, and the car washes and the bottles of water

and the barf bags and the air freshener

and sit in traffic and wait outside darkened doors

and drive all night.

but for a company who seems like a sure thing winner, as long as they can stop shooting themselves in their feet

maybe they would be interested in having a positive news cycle one day.

and, i dont know, reward the top 75% of the drivers.

the people who have given the most rides and those who have the highest ratings.

divide the number of those people by a half billion dollars

and give it to them.

because the weird sad fact about whats happening with all these price cuts is those great drivers are all going to quit and be replaced by people who currently dont even have $11 an hour job

so they’ll be the ones foolish enough to think that buying a new car and driving 60 hours a week will pay off for them because omg they made $150 on a friday. working 11 hours.

it wouldnt be so bad if they allowed tips.

it wouldnt be so bad if they stopped telling people tips were included.

it wouldnt be so bad if it was easier to quit.

the problem is theres several things that one quits when they do that

the passengers, the city, the action.

it wouldnt be so bad if those things werent always wonderful.

Chomsky: We Are All – Fill in the Blank.

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so busy ubering, made so little money, the days are numbered

what i love about bukowski is he never whined. real men never do.

uber has a deal for drivers in LA. if you work and drive around and put up with traffic and hot babes whispering in your ear as youre trying to drive and drunk mexican uncles pointing in front of your eyes as youre trying to drive.

and cops and cabs and cyclists and fatigue

then for right now they’ll give you $20 an hour.

why? because they just lowered their rates Again, and since drivers take home 80% of the fare, when you lower the rates the company only loses 20% of that cut.

its cutthroat out there cuz ub just keeps cutting and cutting. today i drove for seven hours and made like $14 an hour and i had two long trips.

it was different driving with a guarantee, you didnt give a shit. want a short ride? fine. as long as i do at least one an hour i get my twenty bucks. want a long ride? who cares, even long rides will only bring in $20 which is the same as a short one so unless we’re going to mexico i’ll just sit here and steer.

drove four members of the usc womens volleyball team. tall and pretty and funny and nice.

drove three asian girls to an LMU frat party, which is basically a normal little house in the middle of a regular neighborhood becuase LMU doesnt have a frat row.

took that drunk uncle, his two hot nieces and one of their boyfriends from the LAX area to Lennox near where that M&Ms burned down.

man was he drunk. told me he has a 2001 vette that he got six people in. see thats how its done, if youre gonna lie to a man make it fun to think about.

“we had three in the drivers seat and three in the passengers seat,” uncle told me as the girls laughed in the back and apologized for him. i said no one gets to apologize in this car: your sins were forgiven by the lord on that cross. now is the time to spread love.

and with that uncle took some tequilla out of his paper bag.

i was all, im not going to tell you what to do, youre a grown man

and almost as handsome as me.

laughs.

but i will tell you that if the police see you with that booze they will throw me in jail.

no they wont he said

i said hands up mike brown life isnt fair for if it was id be about a foot taller and be the clippers shooting forward.

on the way home ate kfc spicy crispy because we’re all gonna croak anyways.

Chomsky: We Are All – Fill in the Blank.

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everything is (now) awesome

yesterday i had to go to bed at 10pm because i had to be up at 2:30am to be at work at 4am for the Oscar nominations.

i have a hard time falling asleep before midnight because im a grown ass single man.

unless, ironically, if i am in a movie theatre, because im a grown ass old man.

i tried to watch something serious but became aware that Bring It On was on and i watched the whole damn thing for the hundredth time.

somehow got to sleep around 11:30p woke up at 2, left the house around 3:50am, got into the office at 4am because the roads at that hour are like butter and all the green lights are omg hi.

drove straight down sunset and at the body shop a tall stripper danced across the crosswalk and i wasnt sure if it was a man or a woman but she was feeling it and me and the camera crew next to me laughed in our cars.

got to the office, got a plate of the food they had for the hundreds of reporters, also a bowl of fruit loops which were divine and set up our gameplan with my boss.

we were privy to the noms about an hour before the announcement, we decided to switch off writing tweets along the lines of these. we switched off because we wanted to fire them off when the presenters said them and they were rifling them off fast.

then immediately there was reaction from the world, which is normal, but i gotta say around 11am i was exhausted. we all were. i got home at 3 with two tacos from Best Fish Taco of Ensenada, turned on a movie and passed out till 8pm.

then the kittens found an unwanted tresspasser in my bathroom! and in a few hours they had their first kill and now they’re jacked up with adrenaline and i love them now, maybe for the first time ever.

back to the noms. a few interesting things happened, but maybe the cutest/saddest came from the director of the lego movie, like many, were sad that their film didnt either get nominated or didnt get enough nominations. lego movie did get a nom for best song, but not for best animated feature so he tweeted the image above and i was all awwwww

Chomsky: We Are All – Fill in the Blank.

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pretty girl said if your dishes are clean i’ll come over tomorrow

so there i was at 2am this morning doing my dishes.

then i heard what sounded like an angry knock at my door. AT 2AM!

i knew it wasnt her because getting her to come over is an intense chess match that rarely ends in anything other than a draw, meaning she stops texting and i fall asleep on the couch.

THEN I HEARD THREE MORE POUNDS ON MY DOOR!

BANG

BANG-BANG!

my cats scattered away from the door and as i got closer to it i saw what looked like a rhino

trying to push through the door.

it was a wallop like ive never seen before.

WHAT THE FUCK! i screamed, automatically, beastmode style. pure animalistically.

the visitor heard my shout and ran down my stairs and towards my next door neighbor’s place.

then i heard glass shatter. no kidding. not lying.

my neighbor is a beautiful woman and petite and she lives alone. her front door, unlike mine, is french glass. mostly glass.

i was terrified the brute had broken down her door and was headed up her stairs to kill her – or worse!

first i dialed her number, but after two rings i called 9-1-1 instead.

soon the cops had arrived but the creep was gone.

turned out he was a young blond man with a hoodie, a drunk. who the cops nor the church members ever caught.

but it did get all of us neighbors out of our comfort zones to introduce ourselves to each other.

and made me try to remember where i put my aluminum baseball bat

which i couldnt find last night in a split second.

it’s weird when you’re the scaredest youve ever been and all you can find is a hand axe.

Chomsky: We Are All – Fill in the Blank.

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things ive seen at the Forum

the LA Kings with Wayne Gretzkey

the LA Lakers with Magic and Kareem

AC/DC with Yngwie Malmsteen opening

Eric Clapton with Phil Collins on drums and Robert Cray opening

Bob Seger with The Georgia Satellites opening

The Grateful Dead

Nirvana

Duran Duran with The Village People and Adam Ant opening

Marilyn Manson with Hole and Monster Magnet opening

The Cure

David Lee Roth

The Cars, Hearbeat City tour

Weezer with Against Me! opening

Tom Petty, Southern Accents tour

AC/DC, Runaway Train tour

Prince

Aerosmith with Skid Row opening

Aerosmith with Slash opening

Kiss with Def Lepard opening

and last night, Louis C.K.

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today people who made a newspaper were massacred in paris

as i learned from my man matt welch, these weren’t a bunch of kids scrawling stupid cartoons

they were, in his words, the bravest newspaper people in the world.

they took on everyone, often brilliantly and not only got sued for it

but a few years ago they were firebombed by muslims that objected to them.

six days later they put out the cover above of an artist making out with a muslim dude.

today a gunman grabbed the wife of one of the cartoonists, and her baby, and demanded that the office doors be opened OR ELSE. and when they got in, the murderer killed a bunch of people while yelling Allah is great or something

banksy put this on his instagram

making me think that perhaps the rumor

that banksy is a woman

is true.

cuz todays image is pretty great, but it’s also very feminine.

but i digress

freedom and courage were shot down today,

and as optimistic as i am, i dont believe journalists will be quick to stand up to the terrorists who use violence to limit our freedom of speech.

courage in media is a distant channel that barely comes in

long live Saul Bass

even if nobody cares

my first concert was jackson five, my second was ac/dc back in black

i remind myself of that whenever im sad.

or i look at pictures of girls ive kissed.

thus im hardly sad for very long bc the Lord has been watching over me for ever.

today he whispered in the ear of my favorite music festival and voila AC/DC is the headliner and so many bands i really like will be there too.

namely Jack White, Bad Religion, Jenny Lewis, Belle and Sebastian, Florence and the Machine, The Reverend Horton Heat, Royal Blood, Yelle, St. Vincent, Desaparecidos, Off! and Chicano Batman.

ive tried super hard to get into The Weeknd, Flyting Lotus, and Ryan Adams, so who knows maybe something magical will happen.

ive also tried SUPER DOOPER HARD to get my long long friend Chris to rent out the house we had last year for 10 days so we wont have to worry about getting a pad but slackers gonna slack i guess, whatevs.

heres my plan: weekend 1 im gonna Uber day and night and make that money. if i have to, i’ll sleep on Andy’s couch, if they will have me, like i did last year. except this time i will get there on Thurs 4/9 and Uber the kids everywhere. ive learned how to do it. it’s hard but not impossible.

i will rest a lot, poolside. i will be topless.

i should probably lose some weight before i go.

oh boy.

it’s nice to be back at work

it’s nice that ive already broken all of my new years resolutions.

it’s nice you’re here with me.

it’s nice all the people are back on the roads now.

it’s nice the good weather has come back from vacation.

it’s nice that my ebay sales are doing pretty good.

it’s nice my cats now like to cuddle on my clothes in the hall meant to go to good will.

it’s nice that i cleaned up my bedroom last night while watching Celebrity Apprentice.

it’s nice that now i will go to lunch and eat and eat bc i am fat

drove 500 miles this week

made $600.

pretty sure thats not how it should go.

pretty sure i have to trade in the economobile for a luxury sedan so as to make some real side money.

pretty sure this is what they call a financial gamble but

i dont have a house, a kid, or half the financial gambles my peer group has

and some times it takes money to make money.

quite a few things boiling in some other kettles.

excited for those.

grateful for everything, everyone, anything.

hard to believe ive been tapping away at this blog for about 14 years now.

lets make something on here interesting

for once.