the olden times

there are some things i miss about the olden days:

arcade parlors, mtv, less than a buck a gallon gasoline, record stores, afros, harry caray

things that im thrilled are around nowadays:

the internet, wifi, dvrs, $400 55″ lcd tvs, 99cent jack in the box tacos, text messaging, blogging

when i think about LA i usually think about the things that arent here any more, which is weird, because it dont think that about my wallet or heart, why would i care about westwood?

but i do, and i talk about it all the time, and some people who were here when it was happening understand

but about just as many dont. they say f westwood.

in fact the most LA response i get is,

“can you imagine the traffic if westwood came back?”

in the olden times ppl loved crowds.

and hats.

that night the ramones did a tom waits song on letterman

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When I’m lying in my bed at night
I don’t wanna grow up
Nothin’ ever seems to turn out right
I don’t wanna grow up
How do you move in a world of fog
That’s always changing things
Makes me wish that I could be a dog
When I see the price that you pay
I don’t wanna grow up
I don’t ever wanna be that way
I don’t wanna grow up

Seems like folks turn into things
That they’d never want
The only thing to live for is today
I’m gonna put a hole in my TV set
I don’t wanna grow up
Open up the medicine chest
And I don’t wanna grow up
I don’t wanna have to shout it out
I don’t want my hair to fall out
I don’t wanna be filled with doubt
I don’t wanna be a good boy scout
I don’t wanna have to learn to count
I don’t wanna have the biggest amount
I don’t wanna grow up

Well when I see my parents fight
I don’t wanna grow up
They all go out and drinking all night
And I don’t wanna grow up
I’d rather stay here in my room
Nothin’ out there but sad and gloom
I don’t wanna live in a big old tomb
On Grant Street

When I see the 5 o’clock news
I don’t wanna grow up
Comb their hair and shine their shoes
I don’t wanna grow up
Stay around in my old hometown
I don’t wanna put no money down
I don’t wanna get me a big old loan
Work them fingers to the bone
I don’t wanna float a broom
Fall in love and get married then boom
How the hell did I get here so soon
I don’t wanna grow up

last night i unplugged, i put the phone in the living room of the guest house

i just let the kittens run around my room,

i unplugged the laptop and just watched tv.

i could hear the phone ring in the distance, but i was all, tonight you unplugg

for once in your life, just watch the movie.

so i did and it was nice and afterwards i wrote a blog post.

then i got up to make myself a sandwich and i passed my phone and i saw two texts

one was from jeanine, which was sweet, she does want my brian wilson tickets which im more than happy to give to her because she loves loves loves his music and him.

and the other was from ali, who was all, theres cool people over at this party who would be happy to see you

and it was two hours ago.

so i wrote back, it was midnight, was it still happening?

she said yeah get over here. so i ubered over. and she was right, i loved all the people

and weirdly enough they loved me right back.

two of them said that the first time they ever wrote for someone was for me at LAist

and now theyre kicking booty as pros.

i barely tasted the whiskey i was so happy inside.

we talked and talked and talked about britney spears.

we all had many sweet things to say about her. and vegas.

someone had made homemeade chocolate chip cookies.

when it was done katie said to everyone,

text me when you kids get home, now.

this is my txt.

saw “I Am Big Bird” tonight

meh.

there were good parts, dont get me wrong.

and its super interesting that one guy is responsible for pretty much all the things we love about

Big Bird and Oscar the Grouch.

and its amazing that that one dude is in his 70s and still doing it all the time even though it’s physically demanding and you have to do it in a suit while looking at a little tv set while you have one hand up in the air.

and the story delves into some interesting dark moments

and the guy is super awesome: lively, creative, loving, sensitive, adventurous, and a great dad

but still, something was missing.

who knows, maybe i just mean in me.

you only get one shot

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do not miss your chance to blow

throwback thursday morning

she wasnt the prettiest girl but i wasnt neither.

she climbed over the sweaters and remote controls and made her way above my face.

what time is it, i asked, she said who cares. so i clapped my hands twice and the christmas lights added some color to the formerly pitch black room.

she asked did you like? i said, whats not to like?

she said did you love?

which is a strong word even for someone like me who throws around other four-letter words like it aint no thing

because in the grande scheme of things, tis no thing but an onion ring.

so i said oui.

she wasnt buying it.

when was the last time you really really really loved something? she whispered into my ear while manipulating my moneymaker beneath the duvet.

i thought and i thought and i had to go back in time.

but was that love love, i questioned? was it lust? was i beyonce in love? was it all a cabaret old chum?

i said i loved seeing ac/dc in coachella while wearing an ac/dc shirt and shorts and singing a long.

she said you shouldnt have to spend that much time remembering the last time you loved something.

every week you should have many things on that list.

you deserve it.

and i said i do?

and she looked me right in the eyes and said

i do.

there was a time when ladies were basically naked all the time

which must have been something to see because the painters sure painted the hell out of it.

but what i like were the babies seemed to have more on the ball than they do now.

i never saw a baby from the olden times with a pacifier or a blanket that they were obsessed with.

there were no ipads blasting Dora the Explora to keep them occupied.

they were just naked and fat and basically short little humans.

what happened to us?

now there are clothes and jackets and ponchos and hats and scarves.

women wear the biggest scarves these days. they even have a name for the giant things,

although i cannot recall it.

Material is really all it is. huge swaths of stuff.

personally im glad we cover up a little nowadays. i get distracted by belly shirts and knee highs.

which i stopped wearing them.

had a bad day at work yesterday

felt like crying but the xbi tore that out of me.

ive probably cried like twice since 1984.

1984 of course being when the cubs lost to the padres in the playoffs while they were on the precipice of getting into the world series.

the lottery is up to $215 million and every now and then i pass by the house that i last cried in and i think about winning the lottery and buying the house

and tearing it down.

and then buying the house next to it to live in and putting a big pool in the hole where the crying house once stood.

but that would be wasteful.

may as well buy more reasonably priced homes and put orphans in there.

or air bnb and give the money to orphans.

but what i really want to do is start a rehab facility like the one jeanine got cured at.

and make it an affordable one for people who arent on welfare but who are also not rich gazillionaires.

jeanine was lucky that she had been out of work for so long because she qualified for lots of assistance and government funding. when conservatives talk about how much money we give to the poor and ignore how much we allow big businesses not to pay in taxes,

they overlook the fact that many of those programs put people on the right track again.

and since we live in a world where republicans can c-block pretty much anything they want to in congress, people like me have to win the lottery all the time, which is annoying because all i want is season tickets to the cubs

and for everyone who’s sick to get better because nothing is worse than feeling miserable and wanting to cry.

everyone knows youre not supposed to smoke in a man’s uber

especially when its an uber plus ride and the man’s mercedes pulls up to your country club to collect you.

but this guy wasnt everyone, he was special.

at least thats how he carried himself and how he talked to his groveling son in law.

the two had been playing golf with another pair of men who they analyzed on their way to a fancy hotel in the back of my car.

the younger man told his father in law quietly that he couldnt smoke in the uber

the older man held the cigar out of the window

and ashes blew all over the back seat and the carpet.

sand from the traps that had gathered in his shoes mingled with the ashes.

because uber plus rides are more expensive i play the sinatra channel

and when they’re over i inspect the back seat area for lost personal items

when i saw the sand and ashes i was grateful that we could rate our passengers.

it’s sorta a heads up to the next driver.

you’re not gonna really refuse a ride from anyone these days, but at least you know, oh, this guy is entitled

and thinks the world is his ash tray.

so you drive a few miles away and vacuum it up, and get a car wash.

and remember who you wont be when you grow up.

have i mentioned im a huge whiner

i turn on the plus and drive down sunset blvd. its crowded because of memorial day weekend and i dont expect any dings for a mercedes at 6:30pm in hollywood and i dont get any. didnt get any in beverly hills either so i kept moving west. circled around the village a few times and nothing.

then i get one from up near the freshman dorms at ucla.

way up there.

an asian guy and girl get in and i start the trip to see where we’re going and it says san gabriel, which is farrrr. i guess it will probably be $90.

they speak chinese to each other, him way more than her. and every now and then he’ll lean over and kiss her.

and then he goes off again. she listens.

on plus rides i have jazz going on. it seems classy enough for the more than double fare theyre paying. and it is a benz, so go with it.

and bonus: everyone loves it.

sometimes the old people sing along.

these two ignored it the whole time which was fine because some of it consisted of a 20 minute buddy rich solo.

san gabriel is east on the 10, east of east LA, keep going then get off on san gabriel blvd and head north for a few miles.

drop them off at a hot pot that doesnt look all that different than hot pots in ktown

but bro just spent $90 to get there and even if he takes uberx back, it’ll cost another $30-50 to get back.

something told me it was worth it.

it got my night going and it was a good night after all.

got home by 12:30 like a reasonable person. warmed up some boneless wings.

called it a night.

its becoming harder and harder to uber

it’s their company so they can do what they want, but it’s weird to work for someone who

straight up spends whatever time and money that they have to squeeze you

and take as much as they can from you

all while literally building robots to replace you so they can have All the money.

i know this wont end well, which is sad because it started so nicely:

they made billions, drivers made so much they upgraded their cars

but now the demand for the higher priced rides are low

and for some reason the company has flooded the market with drivers.

i always knew the bottom would fall out but i never thought it would happen so quickly.

and now ive got this big car payment and no real way to figure out a second side hustle.

i always have wanted to make a magazine

or write a real book

or sell a screenplay.

but all of that takes time and what i love about uber is if you have a good week,

you get paid for it that Wednesday. right in your bank account.

life is very weird. today i hit the road at noon

got zero rides by three.

here it is 6:15p and im gonna go out there again for a couple hours.

lets see if some incredible magic happens.

am i sad that the president wears moms jeans and is a sox fan?

when i was young the xbi taught me how to meditate while i played a ghetto version of Tetris

i think it was called Bloxx. doesnt matter, it helped me work with patterns and lack of uniformity

which helped me identify things from the skies in chopper one.

but it also settled my mind because all of these good and bad thoughts would float up to my conscious.

it’s one reason i dont like shooting video games: i cant learn when i play.

anyways the other day i was playing a different video game, a new one that one of my fellow ex-xbi colleagues made.

he asked me to try it out and i did and it was fantastic.

as i was playing all of these thoughts flooded my mind:

what are you doing with your life? where are you going? what are you wearing?

who do you think you are? why arent you in the agency any more? why dont you quit blogging?

why havent you tried screenwriting? why havent you moved? when are you going to clean up?

why are you driving that car? what about your hands? what about your health? what about yr hair?

which was all understandable because it was just the drill digging deep past the bilge into

the hard material that keeps us down.

and then this one bubbled up: are you sad the president is a sox fan that wears mom jeans.

and i laughed and i died in the game cuz i couldnt stop laughing.

remember that time we got invited to the white house

and we got all dressed up and you said omg lets bring the kids

and i was all what kids?

and you said OUR kids and i was like Them? they’re too little. they wont behave and they wont remember anything.

and you said how many times are we gonna have this chance again. god sometimes i wonder about you

and i said fine.

so we dressed them up and you said that wasnt good enough so you ran to the store

AND BOUGHT NEW CLOTHES for them

and came home and gave them Another bath

and got them dressed and we went there

and the president was super cool about everything

and then when it was time to go, little sally was like

no mommy im not leaving. no i like it here. NOOOOOOO!!!

and the president was all, yeah i have that effect on some people

and michelle was like seriously?

and Bo the dog just casually strolled out of the room and down the hall

and laid down next to the kitchen.

and the secret service guy was all, i know yr xbi but we’re gonna have to get her out of here

and i was all, if you shoot her, no one will blame you

and michelle laughed

and obama laughed

but i wasnt kidding.

loved the new Mad Max movie

wednesdays are one of the days i try not to uber. so i went to the movies.

everyone was raving about Mad Max: Fury Road, calling it the best action movie in a very long time.

Rotten Tomatoes gave it an unreal 98% after 230+ reviews.

it’s very hard to live up to such hype, but i gotta say, it was intense, a visual spectacle, creative, fun, crazy, weird,

and totally worthy of the 98% rating.

i can see why people are seeing it multiple times.

SO MUCH GOING ON

remember that time a drug dealer got pulled over by the cops

so he attatched them to some helium ballons

remember that time courtney opened for lana

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and everyone was taking videos and photos from the back rows.

i tried to tell them all, chill babies, there will be people up front taking photos and videos

and they said, stop talking to us creepy old man.

just then someone yelled at courtney

“i love you!” the little voice said.

mrs. cobain yelled back, “i love you too!”

then she said, “i cant hear you I LOVE YOU TOO LITTLE FUCKING KID!”

this video captures that lovely punk rock exchange

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courtney was the grizzled blast from the past with both something to prove (that she’s still relevant)

and nothing to prove

but meanwhile Lana strolled around the big stage like a pretty girl just waking from a dream

talking to the deers in the forrest in her party dress

having conversations with imaginary creatures who love her

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famous rock critic katie bain who loves all sorts of music doesnt love lana

who knows why

lots of people think shes manufactured and phony and usually im the one calling bs

but for some reason i totally get lana

she seems like a young stiffler’s mom.

she seems like she would be fun at a party

but would pass out early in the night

just like me

maybe blogging isnt for anyone

i used to think that blogging was for everyone. everybody has dreams and ideas and interesting lives.

after a while i thought, well thats all true, but not everyone is interested in telling the world about their lives. and dreams and insights and fears and concerts they went to and what its like to be a mom or a dad or an xbi agent

or a former xbi agent.

but as time goes on we all realize, we being bloggers of course, we begin to see that blogging isnt a sprint or a marathon, it’s a life sentence.

marathons end after a few hours. but blogging never ends. you just keep typing keep writing keep telling the world veiled little wisps of secrets.

and when youre a pillar of your community or when you have a good job that you wanna keep, the best bet is to keep your fool mouth shut.

especially if youre zulieka, the sexiest blogger there ever was.

she came into our lives mostly naked both physically and romantically. she even had a nude blog header of her shapely back and backside right there on the top of her site.

and then what she wrote was equally revealing. and sensual and delightful. everyone wished they could write like her. myself included. top of the list.

today i was notified by mr. 5chw4r7z that zulieka had let her domain expire. which doesnt mean the end. but it’s a good start to the end.

blogging isnt easy. even for me. maybe its easy for raymi, maybe thats it. welch. xTx. maybe thats it. hell matt at metafilter even threw in the towel this year and he wasnt even blogging, per se over there.

it can be a grind if youre doing it right. it can be scary. you have to use your inside voice more than you’d like to, which is why i have recommended secret blogs for so long.

THE PROBLEM IS DEEP DOWN WE ACTUALLY CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK ABOUT US.

and that is the sloppy french kiss of death.

so rest in peace zulieka dot com

for so many years my favorite among favorites.

lana del rey with courtney opening

1. courtney can still wail

2. lana hates doing encores

3. courtney shouldnta done that leonard cohen song

4. these chatty bitches wouldnt shut up during lanas beautiful l cohen cover

5. courtney does celebrity skin and then miss world to end her show

6. lana refuses to do young and beautiful, which would be a great end to her show

7. courtney made fun of everyone with flower crowns

8. 89% of the crowd had flower crowns

9. lana sold out the damn hollywood bowl

10. tickets were double on stub hub

11. even though i always feel like lana just strolls through her sets, a tad lazily, i will see her play any time she wants in LA

rip dave

back in the early days of civilization, before everyone had televisions in their pockets

you had to watch tv with your whole  family.

one christmas i was at my grandparents house in southern georgia. we had eaten dinner, played cards, and after the ice cream had been served, a new show was to air

.

i was excited about this because i had seen his short-lived morning show and it was fantastic.

i clearly remembered one episode where there was a small marching band on stage next to dave and confetti was falling and a young lady was spinning  a flaming baton

and as the credits rolled some of the falling confetti kissed the flame from one of ends of the baton

and caught fire

and as the credits rolled, a fire extinguisher blew it all out.

i was all wha????

that show lasted about a year and a year later there i was sitting in my grandfathers living room and i told him we gotta watch this new show and i was not at all disappointed.

it was so not johnny carson but just as good, right off the bat.

everyone loved johnny, myself included, and it wasnt even that johnny was losing steam or anything, he was the essence of class and still had it.

dave was the opposite of that. but not in a rude way, in almost a cable-access way. and proud of it. still it was like who the hell gave this guy a show.

which, by the way, was basically my grandpas reaction. he didnt even reward it enough by falling asleep to it in his recliner that winter night.

he took off his glasses, got up, and retired for the evening.

which to any teenager was a golden seal of approval.

dave did shows in hotel rooms, he wore a sweater. paul was in the bed next to him, on a synthesizer. he threw stuff off the roof. he had good bands on.

but best of all dave wasnt a disgusting sellout suck-up fake.

you could see that from day one and here he is at the end of his incredible run and he never became one.

unfortunately you cant talk about dave without talking about jay

the judas

before jay did the one thing he knew he should never do,

he would come on late night and tell funny jokes with an edge

some of the funniest were the ones about jay being pissed off about something.

dave would tee it up by saying, now jay i hear theres something youre a little upset with

and jay would play it up with a deep voiced, are you saying i have a beef, something stuck in my craw? well yes, dave, i do.

and he would tell some good jokes.

the fact that dave had jay on dozens and dozens of times and then jay stole the tonight show from him still baffles me.

and whats worse about that whole thing is once jay stole it, he brought nothing to it.

his best bits were howard stern rip offs.

meanwhile dave had innovated late night right before leno’s eyes.

how do you just rob a man of his one true goal.

but in a weird little way, dave not getting his obvious reward made him even more the everyman we always loved about him.

weird as he was, you could always relate to dave, in part because so many of us had watched him grow into the staple that he was.

meanwhile jay was this terribly bland sideshow that reminded us that ratings sometimes just means lowest common denominator.

deep down all you want is the coolest girl to notice you

and say hi.

bye dave.

ask tony: would you sell the busblog for $625,000?

I get asked a lot of questions on Facebook. I will answer a few of them here.

Ben Welsh asks: Would you sell the busblog for $625k?

This summer the busblog will turn 14 years old. There are over 10,500 posts on here. Some of them are even good.  If someone were to buy this blog for that sum they’re basically paying $60 a post. That’s a ton of dough.

Although I would feel a little sad to hand over control of this url to someone with those sort of deep pockets, not only would I make that deal in a heartbeat, but I’d throw in the matching instagram and twitter accounts too.

And then buy a little house with the money. The house the busblog built.

What would the new blog be called? flyingcarblog, of course.

Roy Jürgens asks: Tony, are you a digital czar?

There are very few people i’d deem as Digital Czar-worthy. My old bosses, Meredith, Jen and Jake, for sure. My current boss, Josh, definately. But who else? Are there other people who truly think digitally in a creative way that isn’t full of BS and solely about the numbers? Those people are super rare and usually get plucked to do other things. Jason Goldman is now the digital czar of the White House. His heart is pure, so add him to the list too. But it’s a very short list and until I accomplish something truly noteworthy I do not belong.

Mary Schneider asks: Do you ever get heartbroken?

In order to have your heart break your heart has to be in it. My heart is in it all the time, which I don’t advise because I’ve noticed the less you’re into it the more the other person becomes into it.

Even though it’s terrible when your heart breaks, if it is a clean break you can bounce back very quickly. The worst my heart has broken in the last 4-5 years, let’s say, it was such a horrible but clean break that I only had to grieve for like 72 hours and then I was back in the saddle again. That doesn’t mean I still don’t think about her or care about her, but it was obviously over, so what good would it be to obsess?

When you read a really good book or get involved in a great TV series you end up missing all of those characters, but when it’s over you’ve gotta move on otherwise you’re one of those creepy fanboys writing fan fiction on Tumblr and not living a real life.

We only get a few spins around the sun.

Make em count.

even though im a devout Christian, i also tend to be a tad superstitious

mostly because i think the Lord has better things to do than answer my prayers about playoff basketball.

so i decided to drive around ubering in the rain last night so i could listen to the Clips game on the AM radio.

in the grand scheme of things, im sure the Almighty cares very much about sports, and is thrilled that the cathedrals of yore have been replaced by sports palaces in cities around the world. but still does he really want me saying

thanks for letting the Cubs stay above .500, but could you make sure Lob City knocks out the Rockets tonight?

one of my favorite spots has been blown up, the CAA building in Century City, theres uber plus dudes all over that place where there used to be just lil ol me. so you have to adapt.

so lately ive been chilling in westwood near the condos hoping some of the richies want a ride to the airport.

last night i ended up with a very jewish young lady with her traditional garb on who was visiting her mother in the UCLA hospital.

as we were driving i asked her if she had lived in westwood her whole life. she said yes, that her dad was a rabbi at the big temple.

she added that she was also married to a rabbi.

so as we passed P’tit Soleil, the best place to eat poutine in LA, i asked her if it was cool for conservative jews to eat poutine.

she asked what was in it? i said, french fries, cheese curds, and gravy.

she said well we’re not supposed to mix meats with dairy and the gravy would violate that rule.

as we kept talking about the Torah she told me that the forbidden fruit actually has a backstory. in the notes of that tale was some detail that Adam and Eve would have been allowed to eat it if they had waited an hour, but they were instructed not to eat it on the Sabbath.

because the snake tempted them, they ate it too early and thus they were shunned from the Garden.

it was raining cats and dogs as we drove down Westwood Blvd.

i could talk about the bible with people all day, so i loved it.

i once had a boss who told me i was not meant to be a manager

she said i was more of an Individual Contributor.

i took great offense at that because i felt that i had been a good manager in the past and inside i have always felt like a leader.

but i would need a team around me that understood it would be a funky ride not like all the others.

since then ive seen my fair share of both good and bad managers and i can understand better now what she was talking about

but i still disagree with her. and it was funny that a number of years ago she called me up asking me if i was willing to relocate to be a manger up in frisco.

first off, f frisco, and secondly even though i totally respect her and loved her as a boss, how could i work for someone who didnt fully believe in me?

but as always it comes back to the Good Book, and in it no one truly believes in either the Father or the Son or most of the kings or other leader/managers.

pretty much the only ppl the ppl in the Good Book believe in are the graven images that they built themselves. you know, the golden calves and other weird idols that they created when shit was getting crazy.

thus: dont get distracted if your posse isnt fully behind you because guess what, they aint never gonna be fully into you.

peter the rock dissed jesus thrice before the damn cock crowed.

but still i wasnt moving to frisco unless i got paid more money than any damn show dog could jump over.

Gay Talese explains perfectly why I hate broken links

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“I am a record-keeper,” he says in this wonderful short video from Grantland.

“I am someone who cares about the past as much as the future. I don’t think it’s ethical to erase the past.”

I have had the sad fortune of working with some very powerful people who have no respect for what Mr. Talese succinctly laid out. Editors who care very much about writing stories that get temporary traffic, but years later abandon stories and sections and entire blogs and delete them willy-nilly for a variety of foolish reasons.

As journalists, we ARE record-keepers. By being digital journalists we have a new responsibility to be custodians to the past even if that past is merely a few years old.

Thus it is irresponsible to delete blogs, stories, posts and photos.

There should never be a broken link on a professional news site that leads to something else within that news site.

Likewise there should be more, not less, hyperlinks to corroborating evidence. Rarely do I see that in major news sites, and it’s appalling. All these digital editors, web producers, and online publications, and yet we try to pretend that all of the information is conveniently packaged in that one story? Impossible. Link.

And for God sake, don’t change the URL, and if you must, have a solid way to redirect it to where it is now.

do you pray?

do you get on your knees every night after you brush your teeth and floss?

do you say dear Lord please bless mommy and daddy and mama dugas and papa dugas?

do you say thank for letting the Cubs win today, thanks for letting me have a good day?

thanks for letting me drive that crazy dude all the way to hermosa at 2.3 surge

and thanks for letting me live in a beautiful place where theres a guy selling tacos next to a gas station?

do you then say the our father and sometimes lose your place because your mind wanders?

and then do you say ok and please bless ilka and mary and the truest and jeanine?

because if you do also say

and also bless amber, whereever she is because shes a sweet girl who deserves good things

please show her the way and take care of her and be extra nice to her because she helped show the way to jeanine

and that was priceless.

and then say the our father again and if you want the Hail Mary.

full of grace

the Lord is with thee.

there are good people in the world who should have good things happen to them.

and amber is def one of those people.

so please merciful God please shine a warm light on her and

do all the cool things we all know are possible.

in Jesus’s name.

amen.

went to the new kanpai last night with jeanine and sass

the new kanpai is about two miles away from the old kanpai, but this one is on sepulveda on the way to LAX

sass is being kicked out of america for being too sexy so we decided to celebrate by eating all the fish

while singing

we didn’t disturb anyone because no one knows the new kanpai even exists yet which was great

it meant we could eat these weird baby sardines on top of shrimp wrapped delightfulness

only bad thing about new kanpai is they haven’t paid off the powers that be yet so you cant drink there

but you get 10% off your tab which is good because new kanpai still has old kanpai prices

which is why i usually rob a bank before i go there, but damn is it worth it.

Kanpai Sushi Bar & Grill
8736 S Sepulveda Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90045

just look for the bathroom sign that has a typo

today is my first girlfriend ever marys birthday

i wonder where she is how shes doing whats going on with her. how her boys are. if she thinks about me. if she roots for the cubs.

does she have gray hair. does she still have a sweet voice. if she prays for me. i pray for her.

she both made everything fantastic for a 15 year old boy and ruined everything. because she was the prettiest, coolest, sweetest girl i knew.

how on earth did she want to talk to me on the phone? why on earth was she holding my hand. then kissing me? then being my girlfriend?

she was the best because she taught me you can approach whoever you wanted because who knows maybe theyd be into it. maybe theyd say yes.

maybe theyd see you for you. you didnt have to make up anything. you didnt have to be a tall blond blue eyed surfer guy.

you could be the biggest nerd alive and after the movie you could driver home and lean over and kiss her as tom petty was playing

and shed kiss you right back.

until her dad turned on the garage light.

then she would write notes and letters and send gifts and move away but still write and call and

mama mia.

so of course when i see its may eleventh i think of her.

you woulda too.

her breath always smelled great.

her stationary was always pretty.

and any time i heard her voice id feel just like those lucky few who make it into heaven feel:

wasted.

and those are the things i shoot for still to these days.

because i know it’s possible.

even today.

shout out to my man don frances

many moons ago i was a happy bachelor living alone on 24th and Potrero in the mission district.

i had a sweet 1BD apt with a fireplace, dishwasher, washer drier in the bathroom. i even had a balcony that overlooked a church.

god i was happy.

but then don (pictured with the glasses) and charlie knocked on my door and invited me to move to 591 haight street and live with them in a huge victorian.

5 bedrooms and one little bathroom.

i said no of course. why would i leave my beautiful pad? they said because of all the cool people youre gonna meet. including the women!

i said oh im up to my neck in women. all they do is come over and love me and dance around and then go home. it’s like heaven!

lies they said (and they were right) so i packed up my entire apartment and moved into one room!

i had a terrific time and fell in love with the truest and moved outta the haight house with her and never looked back, except for all the time.

now i hear Don has just had open heart surgery!

he’s ok, but a prayer would be nice.

keep Don safe and strong, Lord

amen!

with uber plus youve gotta find your spots, but its worth it

the good thing about uber plus is you make twice the amount of money per ride.

the bad thing is theres a lot less rides.

so youve gotta be patient and learn where the rides are gonna come from. which is a fun little game because when youre right you can make $50 for a 20 minute drive.

the weird thing is i never know what music to play. these are well-heeled people requesting a mercedes or beamer and they probably dont wanna hear all the booty shaking music the ladies of uber x usually respond to,

or the classic rock or grunge the fellas seem to prefer.

so i usually put on sirius 67: Real Jazz. monk, coltrane, miles, etc.

every single time i ask them “is jazz ok or would you like something different?” they say, omg this is perfect, thank you!

and then we talk and barely hear the music.

except for last night i picked up two russian dudes at mr chows and a beautiful young lady. they made me wait a whopping ten minutes which is 5 mins more than id wait on regular uber but whatevs, so i didnt even ask them if the music was ok.

it was late at night, what else could they have wanted.

but the 60ish year old guy next to me says “can you put on something with a beat? edm or rap or something?”

so i turned the dial to BPM and he started singing along telling his friends in the back that he had just been to Ultra in Miami and it was fantastic.

after a while the selena gomez / zedd tune came on and he said, hey can you turn it up and really got into it.

this is why i dont do drugs. the world is a trip all by itself.

im the most boring man alive

but i am really into the new Gucci Mane record more than it appears

today i thanked my mom for not tossing me in the garbage

i was so little it woulda been easy.

plus back in the 60s, who woulda missed a little black boy in DC?

hardly anyone.

but no, she kept me safe and fed me and clothed me and took me to school and practices and games and recitals and to the movies and to concerts

have i told you about the time my mom drove me to see AC/DC back in black tour and said, ok call me when its over and i’ll pick you up.

we did not live near that arena.

but in the middle of the night my mom drove her Pontiac Grand Prix through the suburbs of Illinois and retrieved her first born.

she coulda left me at the Rosemont Horizon. who woulda missed a teenage black boy whose mind was freshly blown?

later she paid off my college loans, listened to my crazy tales of frisco then westwood then hollywood.

she saw me rise and fall and whatever this is now

she endured the curse words out of my mouth and typewriter

and my oh my some of the girls she was introduced to.

at every turn she could have poisoned my fruit punch soda, but no

she loved me and supported me and sent me easter baskets and birthday cards

and christmas boxes because i didnt wanna go back to Chicago in the snow and cold.

there are so many good things that ive learned from her and try to emulate

i will never gain them all, but i will keep on trying

because thats what she does.

i love you mom! happy mothers day!

its cold and rainy and depressing in LA right now

but you know what cheered me up really nicely last night?

a lovely phone call from your bff jeanine marie bon natale.

her transformation from drunky drunky hard to even talk with alkie

to super clear super focused sweet as can be straight edge angel is a joy to behold.

proof that your life can turn around in a split second once you truly decide that you are not who you are pretending to be

once you choose Good over dumb

once you say i deserve the best.

it’s incredible how quickly it all changed and how real it is.

like i’d bet on it.

id bet that not only will she never drink again but she wont even consider it.

it’s a miracle in the making, this little girl who could drink a bottle of whatever in a matter of hours has now totally turned her back on it all

not because she has to or because someone told her to

but because she sees absolute no value in being at the bottom of a bottle.

it’s adorable and wonderful and gives you hope that not only is there God

but he loves us.

sometimes i think things and i think god are you dumb

i think you know that path is stupid. you know nothing, jon snow, can be made of that.

but i obsess.

i have two cats. when they hear my bedroom door open they go crazy and they tear around the corner and they run in my room and they go over to the book case and look at the books.

i say to them, what are you gonna read? what is your deal.

it’s more about being in a place they know theyre not really welcome, than actually being somewhere they can rock.

they have the whole mansion, the only room off limits (every now and then) is my room.

but omg they love being in there.

once they get comfortable they do the unimaginable: they chase after shadows and phantoms that they “see” in my sheets.

they pounce on things that dont exist.

sometimes my foot is under what doesnt exist and i fling them off the bed. so that they’ll learn.

but they dont learn and neither do i.

i too search in the shadows for mythical treasures.

everything that i want is right in front of me and wearing signs that say Good or Bad but thats not good enough.

i live in a giant city where things are clearly marked and yet i hunt. mostly online. but sometimes in dreams.

where is it. where is she. where am i. who am i. how can i do this. what can i do here.

pounce.

and nothing.

until the Good Lord flings me off of this giant waterbed called Hollywood.

and back into yr heart.

yes i have a fancy new car, no i havent really taken a picture of it

i dont wanna steal its soul.

yours though i want.

maybe im trying to figure out if it does have a soul. it’s used, and looks it when you investigate it closely. theres scratches, scars, theres a story there.

im guessing it was abused by its original owner who didnt care about it. so many marks near the trunk. businessman with lots of suitcases. three years old but only 28k miles. they say thats normal. i say its abnormal.

the interior is fine though but the engine acts as if he gunned it a lot and maybe wasnt the best driver.

im positive the new car likes me better. sometimes you can just tell.

it ESPs me things.

there was some issues at the dealership when i first got it and to apologize they told me that i could bring it in whenever i wanted to get a sweet ass detailing and wax job. i told them that after Coachella i would need a good deep cleaning and the other day i dropped it off with a short list of mechanical tweaks.

if it was an xbi car i woulda taken it to my guy in east la and bing bang boom it woulda been taken care of, so i was a little surprised when i got pushback from the dealer.

weird answers like, no we see no problems. except for a plastic bag in the exhaust.

i was all, hmmm well maybe thats why the pickup wasnt what it should be.

they were like, yeah whatever, but still thats not covered in the warranty so we’re gonna charge you $85 to get it out of there.

youre not gonna charge me anything.

yes we are.

i will bet you 86 dollars you wont. do you want to bet me. do you want to lose a days pay by saying one more word to me?

i was not charged for the removal of the bag. which was probably there when the car was originally delivered. people are busy. no one has pride any more.

people think everythings disposable.

its snot.

yesterday was cinco de blah blah

instead of drinking for no reason i took a walk because of my new Stepz app. do i wanna live forever? no. but while i’m here i dont wanna be a fat cow who can barely do anything physical.

i also dont like having heart burn or back aches or all the other things im bound to have now that im 7 thousand years young.

so i walked even though it was cold. (60 degrees).

walked and walked and realized i was near a mexican grocery store. i love eating fish but the only fast food joint i know that serves grilled fish is Yoshimomo and all they serve is Tilapia which im told is the ugliest fish in the sea and will kill you if you eat too much of it.

not sure i wanna die from fast food so i inspected the fresh fish the grocery store had, chose a big slab of Salmon, and some chips and salsa because it was cinco.

walked home, george forman grilled it, and it was delicious.

even had some leftovers for tonight and for the kittens.

because my car has been in the shop ive been reorganizing my home. why? who cares. because no one else is doing it.

found my favorite shirt which i thought had been thrown out by my maid.

sorry connie!

theres a damning line in Bob Dylan’s “Idiot Wind”, it’s the last line of the song actually where Dylan concludes

It’s a wonder we can even feed ourselves

and I can totally relate.

had a really good weekend until sunday night

if youve noticed i havent talked about the xbi in a while. everything happens for reasons. for some people attention is good, for some not so good.

believe it or not i dont like attention. i know that sounds weird coming from a guy who has a long running blog, drives a fake taxi several nights a week and is all over social media (and occasionally regular media). but people are complicated. as is the xbi.

they want to be feared but not known. they want to be obeyed but attract and recruit rebels. they want to brainwash and poison ppl but get pissed off when their agents learn how to fight the power using skills they were taught… by the agency.

the mayweather pacquiao fight was big business for uber and uber drivers. everyone wanted to go to their friends’ houses to see the Fight of the Century and they all knew they were gonna drive. meanwhile lots of Uber drivers turned off their phones because They Too wanted to see the battle.

thus for hours and hours it was surging between 2 and 5 times the normal rates. meaning i was busy busy busy.

but i also wanted to go home in time to see the end of the clippers game 7 vs the spurs.

i was torn: make that money, or see the game. at 3.5x the rate i hoped that the guy i was picking up near the Grove wanted to go to Hollywood near my house, but alas it turned out to be one of the longest of the day: Encino, man.

he knew he was gonna be paying a lot but he said, “you know whats cheap? not getting a DUI”. made $65 off the 45 minute ride and shut off my deal so i could take the 101 home.

when i got there i watched the last, victorious quarter, and then tried to order the fight on my new Time Warner cable. no such luck. for some reason the cable giant had not predicted that sooooo many ppl were gonna order the fight at the last minute.

IS THIS YOUR FIRST RODEO?

fortunately i had done some due diligence the night before and learned that this weird sports bar / strip club in the arts district of DTLA was showing the fight. $30 to stand, $60 to sit, or $100 for your own table. i took an uber so i could drink, paid my money and boom i was standing in front of two big tvs watching the fight.

it was very fun. id say most of the place was filled with young latinos a few blacks and maybe 2 white boys. at first they were team mayweather but they cheered any action. the strippers werent stripping, they were watching too.

fun night. i got one lap dance out of curiosity but maybe im getting too old for that nonsense. paying to have a girl sit on my lap and whisper dirty things she wants to do to me? just ask ppl, bros. they’ll do it.

the drink was weak so i ubered home, ate a sandwich and ubered for the rest of the night. surpassed my goal by 1am because it was so busy.

yesterday i woke up with the worst heartburn so i called in sick and went back to sleep.

woke up and did my laundry even though i didnt feel 100%. then i dropped off my car at the dealer because its having issues. then i went to the barber and got the cleanest closest shave of my beard and my head. i felt like a new man.

i may have to do that shave business once a month because i still feel great bc of it.

Boxing expert Patrick Pitt on last night’s Mayweather win

Last night at The MGM Grand in Las Vegas Floyd Mayweather won a unanimous decision against multi -Division titlelist Manny Pacquaio. Casual fans are disappointed at forking over money for what they believe was an inflated PPV ticket, and media outlets that rarely cover the game are once again declaring the end of boxing as they take the unsolicited request to revisit writing the fight game’s eulogy.

I could’ve written that in 2009, when the fight was being contemplated.

I’ve been tracking the career of Pac-Man since I saw him on the undercard of Lewis – Tyson. Interestingly that was the first and only time prior to last night that HBO and Showtime shared a card. Casual fans won’t understand the relevance of Jimmy Lennon Jr’s trademark “It’s Showtime” and Michael Buffer’s “Let’s get ready to rumble” sharing the same intro formalities; but to hardcore fight fans it’s like seeing Batman team up with Wolverine!

It’s also worth noting that boxing was written off when Lewis beat Tyson, but knowledgable fans knew that that was the inevitable outcome then too. Tyson apologists (the ancestors of the Pac-Man fan base) blamed Tyson’s age (Lewis was but one year younger), but the truth has always been, but not exclusive to the following:

1. Boxers tend to beat sluggers;
2. A good big man beats a good smaller man;
3. Having a fight style that puts defence ahead of crowd pleasing tends to lend itself to longevity at the championship level.

That’s why Mayweather beating Manny was predictable. That’s why Floyd was an odds on favourite in Vegas. Thats why opponents who had fought both Manny and Floyd picked Floyd. That’s why Freddie Roach, Pacquiao’s trainer, and Bob Arum are making excuses so as to secure a 9-figure rematch.

And that’s why casual fans have no right to whine. Remember when boxing was done when a black man named Jack Johnson beat Tommy Burns and Jim Jefferies to break the real colour barrier in sports? Remember when boxing was dead after the influence of the mob? Or when an outspoken kid from Kentucky declared himself better than Joe Louis and Sonny Liston? (Hilarious that some today take issue with Floyd doing that to Ali!) remember when boxing was dead when Ali, Foreman and Frazier left us with Holmes, Hagler, Duran, Hearns and Leonard? Yeah that totally sucked.

Who would fill their shoes? Just Kid Dynamite, later Iron Mike. When he went to jail though, that was to be the TRUE end. Then he came out and list to Evander Holyfield. This time we mean it! Boxings over! Don king killed it!

Enter the cross over icon in Oscar De La Hoya, who cleaned house from 130-154lbs. However when Oscar lost to Floyd and Manny, allegedly there was only one fight left.

And because on a grand stage that broke financial records twice over, we didn’t get a UFC Big Mac mash up, but we’re instead were treated to a game of chess played on a filet mignon, boxings done again.

If you wanted Ali Frazier 3 there was nothing leading up to this to suggest you would be getting that. I predicted a unanimous decision by Floyd over Pacquiao because Floyd is a once in lifetime specimen.

His undefeated record, like Pacquiao’s, is riddled with not just boxing legends, but hall of famers. While many hoped Manny would catch Floyd with a lucky shot, they didn’t understand that Floyd actually has a great chin, you’ve just never seen it because he rarely gets caught solid. They also hoped he was getting slower with age, and like Pacquiao, he has! But when you were as quick as Roy Jones Jr full of laxatives, you can afford to slow a little.

Skill? They’re both skilled, but Floyd in addition to having superior ring generalship, was an Olympian. Manny wasn’t. For the uninitiated fan here’s a secret, having 100 plus amateur bouts matters! You learn to do things by the book when the unorthodox tricks fail to fool your opponent. Ali, De LaHoya, Leonard, Lewis, Holyfield, Patterson, Jones Jr – Olympians all.

They say speed goes first and power goes last, that was Pacquiao’s other hope, that Floyd would get old over night. That his brittle hands would come back. No such luck.

Manny won some rounds and that’s to his credit. As I said his record suggests he is something special. His first championship strap was won at 112lbs. He’s been adding pounds and titles for years. But Mayweather is the naturally bigger man, meaning the power factor was closer to even than anyone in Manny’s camp would want to admit.

He might’ve employed some of the strategy that Jose Luis Castillo employed in losing a close controversial decision to Floyd many years ago. Just one problem with that strategy. Floyd learned from that win and best Castillo handily in the rematch.

That’s the thing folks. He evolves.

So the end result is inevitable and you may not like it. A wife beating megalomaniac who shows little respect for the game and it’s greats won 9 figures in a payday and further cemented his place in Canastota’s hallowed halls.

He’s damn good and might very well be better than Ray Robinson and Ali’s place on the all time list.

You don’t have to like it. Few liked Ty Cobb.

However if you want to be a true fan, don’t fight it. Don’t blame the sport or pick up the chisel for its epitaph.

You’re embarrassing yourself like so many before you.

So what if you saw a pitchers duel instead of a home run derby. A game of chess instead of checkers.

…a boxing match instead of a UFC circus…

Embrace it. You’re witness to greatness. You can tell your kids you saw a match between two of the greatest if not the greatest.

If that medicine is bitter to go down, just look up Gatti-Ward round 9 on YouTube. (You’re welcome).

That match was free and not for any belt. That’s what you were looking for, and while special in its own right, is not impossible to find on any given card.

– Patrick Pitt

someone told me that emma stone is single now

all i know is i love her bike